* I can't take a knee anymore! My knees suck, and if I stayed down
here until things calmed down I wouldn't get back online before BlogHer
and I'd miss out on all the
blogsturbation (tm mom, natch) and...well,
anyway.
* What's that? No, of course I didn't get things all good and
transitioned over to the new-to-me blackberry from the previous,
dead-to-me piece of equipment. It would be
passésauce to go on a
technology fast and then play with a new electronic gadget that way, and
doing something that ironic would be all kinds of
"writing-a-song-about-funny-things-and-calling-it-irony-without-knowing-what-that-means"
so I didn't set it up. Or, alternately, I couldn't switch it until I
paid the bill but the XY was late with the support check because he
doesn't deserve a head and then I got pissed off at Comcast and canceled
our innernet service, you know, as you do. Or possibly if I set it up I'd forget to deal with the innernet problem since blackberry=innernet and I used to think I was the fitter candidate to put the innernet back together again, until it became apparent that no one at Comcast deserves a head today and Hotter is SO much better at dealing with assholes than I am.
* Yeah, when I put it all self-deprecating like that it almost sounds
like I expected me to accomplish anything, but my "Summer of Duh" is not
yet over with. It's possible it could have been, but my next
appointment with Dr. Shrink where I could confess that I went without
Ritalin all summer due to losing the prescription (yeah, my husband lost
it, but y'all he has brain damage and I should never have left it
unguarded or ignored him when he said he couldn't keep me company while I
dug outside because he was looking for something--that's like telling
your three-year-old where the scissors are without asking why; total
supervision fail and my fault, not Hotter's--he just wanted to make some
paperdolls really) was in the Blackberry...
* Puppies. They're assholes, really. I know I said it was just like
having a baby and I still stand by that statement, it's just that when
you have a baby if you say they're an asshole people look at you like
you don't deserve a head but with puppies you can be all "she sucks, Imma
take her to a nice farm where she can run free and kick her out of the
car" and everyone's just like "HAHAHA! THE FARM!" Animals are awesome because
people aren't all "shut up, sanctity of human life, blah blah blah"
except PETA, but I'm already dead to them because I find OTHER animals,
like the ones that don't eat and roll in shit, delicious. Bygones!
* I did at least perfect my Better Than Adultery cookie recipe, and if
this was an inspirational Lifetime Movie and I didn't lack about
eleventy health department permits and people were willing to shell out
what I lose in overhead (HAVE you ever priced raw, organic macadamia
nuts? Well OKAY THEN) I would sell them to pay the puppy's veterinary
bills and still go to BlogHer in style, or else maybe Energizer would
sponsor me and I'd use the whole $2,000 to bake Better Than Adultery
cookie for everyone at the conference! Shut up, I said "if this was an
inspirational Lifetime Movie," which totes leaves a loophole so that if I
win the real-life contest I can be all "yeah, well, but mama really
needed some liposuction quick before NYC." I named the cookies,
incidentally, after an earlier, inferior batch that caused our neighbor
to get googly eyes and fall in loooooove with me. Which is all you need
to know about that fool. I mean, the cookies didn't even have coconut in
them at that point and it was during the semi-sweet chocolate
experimentation, and so it wasn't even a complement so much as a cry for
help. Poor neighbor dude.
* I was going to say how this is the kind of thing that would ONLY ever happen to me, but the Bloggess tells us this (the belief we are leading an extraordinary life) makes shrinks check off the cray-cray box on their clipboards and...well yeah, I still like to pretend it's not obvious. So now I'm all "nothing fucked-up going on here, move it along" and we're going to say this could all happen to ANYONE, AT ANY TIME. Right???
* First one to tell me in the comments that I'm not only ordinary but also crazy as a loon sleeps on the couch, HOTTER, and should get back to signing up for new innernet because this aircard only has enough bandwidth for one of us and I'm meaner. How are the REST of y'all?