MFA Mama

making me want to diephone

*   Yesterday, I went to message a friend of mine. In the name of necessary background I will tell you that said friend is a bisexual woman currently partnered with a man, and that she and the man have a child. I tried to send her a one-word text saying "Heeeeey!" But the iPhone decided that what I REALLY meant to say was "Breeder!" FAIL.

*   Today while playing Words With Friends (I am addicted to that game, by the way, so feel free to challenge me; I'll take all comers but I usually lose...apparently the terminal degree in writing isn't even good for games!) (I'm "MFAMama" on there) I received the following warning:

Sorry, "cunt" is not an acceptable word.

   You're not my mother, Words With Friends.

*   Aaaaand finally, about an hour and half before quitting time I texted Hotter with "I miss you :(" Or at least I thought I did. Instead it went to the XY. FAIL, OMG, I QUIT LIFE.

the one where I knew my life was going too well lately

*   I am doing a review and giveaway that is SO amazing...I'm excited for me and for whoever among you gets to win it! I can't do it justice right now so I won't even try, but look for that post soon and the upshot for me PERSONALLY is that I get a free pair of prescription glasses (my first in nearly six years--yes I have had these frames AND these lenses for that long)!

*   I just got a job offer from Temp Agency #1 in which I will make as much money per week as I usually do in a month of working fulltime for the next three weeks. Obviously that is a wonderful thing.

*   Then after work today, which finished early, I went to the eye doctor to get my prescription checked (I was pretty sure it had changed a lot, since my vision has started to suck pretty badly) and found out I'm going blind. Yeah. BLIND. Not maybe, and not even from ONE progressive eye disease, OH NO, but TWO of them. The first one was not a surprise, since I have it on both sides of my family, but the youngest person on either side to need treatment was in their late forties so I wasn't expecting to hear at thirty-three that the eye doctor was just SO terribly sorry my corneal issues rule me out as a candidate for any type of eye surgery and I needed to start medication for it immediately like RIGHTNOW. The second one she was more like "I...yeah...I don't even have the EQUIPMENT to tell you what kind of ____ it is, you'll need laser retinal mapping for that, but it's DEFINITELY ____" and when my face fell because I had heard of _____ before she consolingly said "well, but...in RARE cases it's JUST A CATARACT!" in a "hey, maybe you won the lottery, wouldn't THAT be exciting!" kind of tone and I looked at her and said "wouldn't a cataract need--" and her face fell. "Surgery. I...I'm very sorry. The good news is that treatment won't change you prescription, so you can go ahead and order those free glasses," she finished lamely. "I just don't have the machine in my office to measure your pupils, so you'll have to go inside to the optical shop" (this was the eye doctor at the local Big Box Store). I took my prescription and left, feeling numb, and the numbness lasted until I couldn't find my membership card and went to get a new one. "No problem," said the clerk, "I just need to see your driver's license and I'll give you a new card." I went to get that and there was the membership card (which I'd searched my wallet for three times already) and I started to say "oh, whoops, I guess maybe I'm just--" and I was going to say "blind" and instead kind of sobbed in her face. "It's okay! That happens to a lot of people, I see it at least once a day...?" said the membership clerk, before she realized that clearly I wasn't really beating myself up about the card and was instead in the midst of an acute mental health challenge. I didn't even try to explain myself, just walked away.

*   So I bought myself an iPhone. As a consolation present. 

*   It didn't work. I am still really, really depressed and now I ALSO don't know how to work my phone.

apropos

   I really need to bite the bullet and buy a printer. There are SO many good printable coupons out there, plus Big Child is apparently on the verge of needing one for homework and I occasionally need one for work as well depending on what I'm doing. Thing is, I have NO idea what kind would best suit our needs or what sucks and what doesn't. 

   Tell me about your printers. I'm looking for something inexpensive (obviously) and would appreciate recommendations and shopping tips.

shriek of outrage

   Noisy ads. ON MY BLOG. 

   My deepest apologies, until such time as I figure out how to kill it with fire.

Figure One: MFA Mama wrestling with the control panels of both Typepad and Adbrite from Hotter's desktop. Because that's how much she loves you!

many different things

*   Yesterday was a mercy-killing-free day.

*   It was also my big "solo at the helm" day over at the hippie food coop. I minded the store all by my lonesome for about three hours (the owners travel a couple of days a week doing CSA drops, foraging, lobbying, etc. and the one paid employee had to drive to another state on urgent business) and didn't burn the place down (GO, ME!). I effed up (maybe? I'm not even totally sure that I did) on one minor credit card transaction (think "less than five bucks"), and other than that I think I handled everything perfectly, which I think was better than any of us there expected. In gratitude the owners gave the MFAmily a CSA share, which was awesome as we can no longer afford to be members and have been missing it.

*   I am going to be helping another local business out with a banquet this weekend. Which requires that I buy some black pants that aren't of the yoga variety and a white button-down, but I'll be making enough for it to still be worth my while after clothes and gas. WHOO!

*   The MFA Children came home from Daddy Weekend with some type of upper-respiratory bug and immediately infected me (EFF). I had...what, maybe two weeks? Free of Asthmapalooza '10-'11 and inhaled steroids and prescription cough suppressants? And now I think I am headed in that direction once more, and my rib, which had been feeling MUCH better, is rather painful again. Shoot and heck and crap, y'all. I canNOT be coughing at the aforementioned banquet, for obvious reasons.

*   The surviving chicks are now eating over a pound of starter feed per day, all nine of their insubstantial little selves. It's crazy!

*   I have EIGHT baby cauliflowers. EIGHT.

*   The splinter I have had lodged in my heel for...um, well, it's been a minute, I think this splinter (or possibly it's glass of some sort?) celebrated the winter holidays with us...anyway this thing in my heel is rather painful lately, and I've already tried home surgery a FEW times with no success; I can SEE the thing under the skin (it's like a dot drawn by a very sharp pencil--TINY) but the instant I attempt its removal my stupid bleeding disorder takes this as its cue to turn things to eleven, which makes visibility poor and grasping anything in there nigh on to impossible (I can now honestly say it generates a loss of blood volume comparable to slaughtering a chicken). I've soaked my feet half to death on multiple occasions, tried the Vaseline/Band-Aid trick, all of that crap...what does one do in such a case, short of going to the doctor, which seems ludicrous over a gee-dee splinter?

*   The XY is recently writing all sorts of high flown appeal-to-emotion-y E-mails Of Ostentatious Crap About How Life Is Too Short (to impress his girlfriend? To hold up in Imaginary Custody Court?) about co-parenting classes (which I first begged for, then insisted upon, then gave up on and now cannot afford--don't worry, I've told him that if he pays I and even Hotter will be there, which ought to table the issue). As evidence of their necessity he informed me that two people (one about twenty-two years old, one a decade or so older than I am) who were "the product of divorce" were recently dead, one of a DUI-vs.-utility pole scenario and the other over "an allergic reaction to a medication with liver complications" (sounds like an o-v-e-r-d-o-s-e to me). "THINK ABOUT IT," his most recent missive exhorted me. I find this rather offensive, as both of the people in question (friends of HIS, not mine) were wretchedly unpleasant sluts whose custodial parents were useless deadbeats, and my kids don't have THAT problem (and yes, I told the XY as much). By all accounts I hear the MFA Children are very well-adjusted and the only dysfunction and unseemliness in their lives comes from the XY's direction, and you don't see ME peeing in HIS yard or contributing to getting HIM fired, so I'm not quite sure what he thinks he's getting at in the first place, although I AM sure I've had just about enough of whatever it is.

*   How are all of YOU?

R.B.O.C. (random bullets of crap)

*   I am getting sick. I mean, of course I am. Chowing the yogurt and garlic, slurping tea and soup.

*   I think some things are going to bounce, just because PayPal transfers take time, and it's making me die a little to think of the fees. Maybe not, nothing to do but wait it out, but I have a woogy feeling about this waiting, either way.

*   The XY sent me a truly shocking e-mail. Shocking as in "a real grown-up wrote this." I wonder if it was the girlfriend? If he walks his talk I will be very impressed.

*   Hotter and I are taking the dog and remaining mice to Artic Tundra State with us (the mice because they'll run out of something or one will die off and stink...the runt of the litter is still hanging in there but only just barely), but Poe ate six babies and the extra adult so we're down to a manageable number. They'll probably ride buckled into Little Child's Britax Marathon in their tank. The dog will ride in her crate, which we'll secure in the mid-cabin after removing the captain chair row with seatbelts on either side. I think it will be nice for her to have a place to be and we'll pack her pillow in there. It's too bad this isn't for a happier occasion because I'm rather pleased with how the trip itself is shaping up, funeral aside.

*   I gave Hotter a haircut and it looks fantastic, but he's carping about it because that's what he does, complain and moan and grab my arse, then suggest that the Great Clips girls used to massage his shoulders, etc. (at which point I remind him that they work for tips and I am rewarded simply by having him be presentable).

*   Rhetoric. My head hurts. If you follow me on the Twitter or are a facespace friend you know which rhetoric in particular has me het up, but y'know fuck ALL of it. At least today.

*   Sadly, I still have deadlines, and they make my head hurt extra-much.

*   I scrubbed the burn with MFOrganics Lucky Dog today, and debrided all of the dead skin from around the worst of it (which I think went down to the muscle? I dunno but it's gonna leave a hell of a scar). That stuff is great on such things even though it made Hotter shudder to see me do that. He was all "doesn't that HURT?" and I was all "it'll hurt a lot MORE if it gets INFECTED." All in all in looks pretty good, especially, as Hotter said, "for a burn healing on [me]."

*   I am VERY displeased to be getting sick. That drive to the Arctic Tundra state kills me on a GOOD day. Ugh...

*   In-law drama. Oh lord. Loud and Crazy's wife left him about a month ago and initially he didn't care because Big and Scary introduced him to some chick but then she dumped him for the same reason my former SIL did and now Loud and Crazy is very sad panda and Big and Scary has mortally offended me (details not For The Innernet but he's OUT OF THE HERD) and I can't promise that no one will get junk-punched, especially if their pets accost Isis.

*   Hotter is getting on my very last nerve. Mostly for petty reasons that make me a bad person, but I think we can all agree that failing to get my password on the Blackberry (his birthday) correct enough times that it perfomed a complete wipe and deleted my entire life is a great irritation at best. Bless his heart.

nothing unusual has happened at all

*   I can't take a knee anymore! My knees suck, and if I stayed down here until things calmed down I wouldn't get back online before BlogHer and I'd miss out on all the blogsturbation (tm mom, natch) and...well, anyway.

*   What's that? No, of course I didn't get things all good and transitioned over to the new-to-me blackberry from the previous, dead-to-me piece of equipment. It would be passésauce to go on a technology fast and then play with a new electronic gadget that way, and doing something that ironic would be all kinds of "writing-a-song-about-funny-things-and-calling-it-irony-without-knowing-what-that-means" so I didn't set it up. Or, alternately, I couldn't switch it until I paid the bill but the XY was late with the support check because he doesn't deserve a head and then I got pissed off at Comcast and canceled our innernet service, you know, as you do. Or possibly if I set it up I'd forget to deal with the innernet problem since blackberry=innernet and I used to think I was the fitter candidate to put the innernet back together again, until it became apparent that no one at Comcast deserves a head today and Hotter is SO much better at dealing with assholes than I am.

*   Yeah, when I put it all self-deprecating like that it almost sounds like I expected me to accomplish anything, but my "Summer of Duh" is not yet over with. It's possible it could have been, but my next appointment with Dr. Shrink where I could confess that I went without Ritalin all summer due to losing the prescription (yeah, my husband lost it, but y'all he has brain damage and I should never have left it unguarded or ignored him when he said he couldn't keep me company while I dug outside because he was looking for something--that's like telling your three-year-old where the scissors are without asking why; total supervision fail and my fault, not Hotter's--he just wanted to make some paperdolls really) was in the Blackberry...

*   Puppies. They're assholes, really. I know I said it was just like having a baby and I still stand by that statement, it's just that when you have a baby if you say they're an asshole people look at you like you don't deserve a head but with puppies you can be all "she sucks, Imma take her to a nice farm where she can run free and kick her out of the car" and everyone's just like "HAHAHA! THE FARM!" Animals are awesome because people aren't all "shut up, sanctity of human life, blah blah blah" except PETA, but I'm already dead to them because I find OTHER animals, like the ones that don't eat and roll in shit, delicious. Bygones!

*   I did at least perfect my Better Than Adultery cookie recipe, and if this was an inspirational Lifetime Movie and I didn't lack about eleventy health department permits and people were willing to shell out what I lose in overhead (HAVE you ever priced raw, organic macadamia nuts? Well OKAY THEN) I would sell them to pay the puppy's veterinary bills and still go to BlogHer in style, or else maybe Energizer would sponsor me and I'd use the whole $2,000 to bake Better Than Adultery cookie for everyone at the conference! Shut up, I said "if this was an inspirational Lifetime Movie," which totes leaves a loophole so that if I win the real-life contest I can be all "yeah, well, but mama really needed some liposuction quick before NYC." I named the cookies, incidentally, after an earlier, inferior batch that caused our neighbor to get googly eyes and fall in loooooove with me. Which is all you need to know about that fool. I mean, the cookies didn't even have coconut in them at that point and it was during the semi-sweet chocolate experimentation, and so it wasn't even a complement so much as a cry for help. Poor neighbor dude.

*   I was going to say how this is the kind of thing that would ONLY ever happen to me, but the Bloggess tells us this (the belief we are leading an extraordinary life) makes shrinks check off the cray-cray box on their clipboards and...well yeah, I still like to pretend it's not obvious. So now I'm all "nothing fucked-up going on here, move it along" and we're going to say this could all happen to ANYONE, AT ANY TIME. Right???

*   First one to tell me in the comments that I'm not only ordinary but also crazy as a loon sleeps on the couch, HOTTER, and should get back to signing up for new innernet because this aircard only has enough bandwidth for one of us and I'm meaner. How are the REST of y'all?

Imma take a knee, y'all!

   I just spoke to dogbreeder-neighbor for the first time since our pitifulbull recovered and he was all pissy! It was super awkward! I made Hotter (who tries to avoid this stuff) come out with the dog and Middly showed her to the neighbor, who had to smile at the Middly-hawk and the gorgeous little dog (she really is, totes better if a bit of a diva) but y'all? Dude was fuming.

   Hotter said I hurt dude's pride, and I said he doesn't deserve to feel rejected by someone MUCHOLDER than he is who is TOTESMARRIED and turned him down drunk and sober (him--me not so much drunk no), and then Hotter was like "no he misses your help with the dogs" and I said "either they're ALL sick and I'm not re-exposing our dog or they're FINE and it's JUST her and I'm keeping the cooties here. WhatEVER! Either way dude doesn't deserve a head. So glad the pup is paid in full and bouncing around happy.

   Middly is so. very. proud. of the dog and Little Child finally has a haircut (buzz? DONEZO to the back and sides but curls? HECANHAZCURLS still, yes indeed, trimmed a bit but awws no AWWS!) and the dog had YET ANOTHER BATH today and dried in the sun and has to eat again.

   I'd better put the food on to soak for Middle Child's dog. Awww nom nom nom! The cute, it hurts me.

   Also I'm trying to learn to trust again and charging up the replacement crackberry so think loving thoughts...Imma take a knee!

is you is or is you ain't mah bunny? #Energizer #BlogHer10

• Must already be registered for BlogHer
• Must be a Facebook Fan of  Energizer PowerSource
• Spread the word about the contest by tweeting . . . Enter to win a $2000 #BlogHer10 #BlogHer sponsorship courtesy of #energizer & @kailani http://bit.ly/997lLl . . . (or something similar).
• Must not already have more than one other sponsor

Those are the criteria to be an Energizer Smart ChargHER and I'm not gonna lie, I am their perfect candidate.

I am registered for Blogher and crazy events!
I am a FB fan under my real name.
I am tweeting this and will be livetweeting BlogHer10 anyway. It should be bananas!
I have no other sponsors because I'm going for the art and peer interaction and refuse to ask my readers directly for help.

I'm also a mother of three children with special needs, a wife of a bionic man with more than one donor organ, and our new puppy is on three prescriptions that cost us what I planned to spend on new prescription lenses and an eye exam for myself. My old glasses are okay, but I have new frames and just need to update the prescription since it's been...four or five years. We have food to eat and a climate-controlled roof over our heads but we've been in and out of the hospital and are on a fixed income and yadda yadda yadda, I feel bad even going but my husband insists and our family on his side have helped us out. I write monthly for Hopeful Parents, a grassroots community blog for parents of children with special needs, review books, do giveaways, and by the way I have a terminal degree in creative writing and teach at the college level when I'm not wearing a tutu and running a 5k (would go great with y'all's t-shirt, just sayin). I am even willing to register my pedigreed pitbull as the Energizer Bunny, SRSLY.

I'd like to pay my in-laws back and keep the puppy in high-dollar chow and my husband in anti-rejection drug co-pays for while I'm gone and buy some fatpants for my foodbaby weight and maybe some hypoallergenic cheap sparklies and nice Moo cards. I plan to quote my current (pre-puppy-poopocalyse) ad on the Bloggess's sight, written by Jenny Lawson herself: "It stands for Mother-Fucking Awesome!" Which is literally what my generous mother-in-law said when she saw it. I'm waiting to order in case y'all want to be on the back :) Please? Cheers! MFA Mama

Figure One: If you sponsor me I will get "Energizer" vajazzled in matching swarovski crystals. I'm that kind of crazy! Whoo tits!

a very meta blog post about my blog and other bloggy things

*   Remember when I said I got an offer to do a review?  It's for a pretty cool company I've ordered things from in the past, and they offered me a chance to review something from one of their many sites, and at first I thought "ohhh, maybe I could finally get some new sheets for the bed" and then after about thirty seconds I ended up on their pet products site, and it will surprise no one to hear that I got something for the dog instead!  That something is ON THE WAY and you'll hear all about it when it arrives...

*   I have an AD!  I wasn't really in the market for an ad, but then I saw this and people...SCORPIONS!  How could I not?  So if you're here from Jenny's, WELCOME! 

*   BlogHer.  Oy.  I think my (very tentative) transportation plans may have fallen through, and I still have nowhere to stay, and the whole thing is giving me agida.  If you still need another roommate, let me know.  I'm cool with sleeping on the floor.  Seriously.

*   Typepad has forcibly migrated me to the "new Typepad," a.k.a. "the sucky way they make you do things now," so if my entire blog goes down in flames, you know who to blame.

*   I found a new (to me, anyway) blog that I enjoy!  With lots of archives to peruse!  This makes me happy.

*   Speaking of things that make me happy, I won something over at Niobe's place and I'm excited to try it!

*   Six more days until we bring the puppy home, and we have a name!  She's named after someone from my blogroll.  Any guesses who?