MFA Mama

gluten-free jam-drop cookies

   Sometimes life is just fucking awful, and your only recourse is to cook, bake, can, and pick your feelings into submission. Here is a recipe for amazing gluten-free jam-drop cookies. For maximum smug satisfaction, use jam you made the same day:

Gluten-Free Jam Drop Cookies
makes about 1.5 dozen
preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit 

1/3 cup each tapioca flour, white rice flour, and almond meal
1 tbsp potato starch
1.25 sticks unsalted butter
1/2 tsp Pink Himalayan Salt 
1/3 cup sugar
paste from a one-inch section of vanilla bean
about 1.5 tbsp jam

Whisk dry ingredients except sugar and salt together and set aside. Beat butter, sugar, vanilla bean paste and salt together until fluffy. Add dry ingredients in three parts and beat together, roll into balls of about 2 tsp each, set balls on a sheet of parchment paper laid over a pizza pan and press thumbprint in to make dimple, fill dimple with jam, Repeat until you run out of dough (or eat it all), bake at 350 for 12-15 minutes depending on your oven. 

   We (Little Child and I) made these today with fresh strawberry jam from the garden, and they tasted like really rich, buttery shortbread with jam. SO good. Tonight there are rose petals macerating in the fridge for rose-petal jam tomorrow, and we agreed that we'll have to make more jam-drops when that is ready.

the job is good and Typepad is GREAT

   The new job is good. It's really nice people working for a nonprofit dedicated to a GREAT cause, and they're busy enough currently to need an administrative temp. I don't think it has long-term potential, which is too bad, but it should last at least a couple of weeks, and that's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick (which is a saying down here in The South, although I've actually been the recipient of such a poke and can say that just about anything up to and including a compound fracture is preferable, so I guess it's not really saying much--THE JOB IS NICE, THE END).

   Typepad? Is GREAT. Those of you who follow me on the Twitter may already be aware, but yesterday I logged into WellsfuckingFargo's website to see if everything had cleared (yes, I still want to dump them--THEY SUCK and have HORRIBLE customer service, and they LIE right on their ATM machines where it says that cash deposits are credited instantly) and was horrified to see a $119 pending chunk out of my meagre balance. Of course I clicked to see what had unexpectedly eaten up 90% of my net worth, and it was my yearly Typepad subscription fee. Did I agree to that? Yes. Last year, however, they deducted it on May 20th, and so I had set a reminder for May 18th. This year apparently they deducted it a little earlier, which probably has something to do with leap years and business days and I DON'T KNOW, I'm sure it makes sense to SOMEone, but that someone is not writing this post.

   I logged into Typepad and clicked around the back end of my account, thinking that maybe if I downgraded to month-to-month billing (the yearly rate is a better deal, although obviously not so much if it causes the next thing to hit your account to generate an overdraft fee) that would fix things. Obviously I was not the first person to panic and have that idea, however, because next to the option to do that was a disclaimer stating that doing so would not cause a refund to be issued, but rather a credit on the account that they would then deduct your monthly fee from until it ran out. CRAP! So I fired off a desperate support ticket explaining that I knew I'd agreed to this being automatically deducted, but thought I had another eight days, was unemployed, etc. and asking if there was ANY way to get the yearly fee refunded and go month-to-month until I was more financially secure again. Since I'd been live-tweeting my freakout, I let my followers know that I'd placed it in Typepad's hands and was just going to hope their customer service folks were as understaning as Amazon.com's are (yeah, Hotter signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime and forgot to cancel it, and a very nice Amazon.com employee unknowingly SAVED HIS LIFE on Friday by refunding THAT). Best case scenario, I thought I'd maybe get a refund of $119 minus the cost of one month's Typepad Pro service, but realistically I was expecting an admonition to re-read the Terms of Service. I went to bed last night worried as hell, but resigned to waking up to bad news. Instead, while I slept, Typepad was ON IT!

Figure One: Look how friendly!

    I checked my e-mail on my first fifteen-minute break at work, and found an INCREDIBLY nice note from Melanie, a Typepad Community Manager. She explained the date discrepancy in a way that made sense, and that yes, the TOS gave them permission to deduct the money when they did, but went on to say that she understood that life happens, and in light of my longstanding relationship with Typepad they wanted to try and help take the pressure off, so she refunded THE ENTIRE AMOUNT and APPLIED AN EQUAL CREDIT TO MY ACCOUNT. I thanked them profusely, and they were very gracious:

Figure Two: So. Very. Nice.

   You guys. I may have teared up a little in my cube. Of course what Typepad did helped me avoid (another) financial headache, and obviously I'm thrilled with the credit, especially since it's hard to justify paying that kind of money for something that is just for me and can't be eaten or worn to work, given our circumstances. But this was just...well. If you've never been really, really broke, you might not get how huge this was. You get used to hearing "no." To EVERYTHING. Things like sobbing on the phone to your bank, and never picking up a number you don't recognize become part of your daily existence. You come to expect smug annoyance from everyone you do business with, if not outright hostility. It's a relief to even be able to deal with a company via e-mail just so you don't have to hear it out loud, because you already hear it out of your own mouth on a daily basis. No, I can't pay for your eye surgery so you can see better. No, you can't go on that field trip, it costs too much. No, no, NO! The negativity can become overwhelming and start to color your entire outlook. When Typepad not only DIDN'T say no, but went the extra mile and did something nice that I hadn't even asked for, it meant a lot more to me than avoiding an overdraft fee or three and getting to blog for a year for free; it reminded me that there's more to say and hear than no, a lot more to life than relentless negativity. It lifted my entire mood, and helped me put my best foot forward today at the new job. 

   Am I going to stop bitching so much about my life? Probably not. It's not easy, and I'm only human. But I will never do it via any other blogging platform :)

this is the deepest thing I have to say right now in public

Figure One: This? Does not suck. I kind of have to wonder why they don't make the loaves twice as big, since they kind of HAVE to know their product looks like tiny, deformed slices of poundcake, but it's good stuff.

 

Disclosure: That there is an affiliate link. If you buy a loaf of bread through it, I think I get a nickel or something. I like nickels.

seeds

*   I just placed my first seed order of 2013 here (I buy all of my seeds and hand-tools from them and can't recommend them highly enough). Usually the process of planning and planting a garden fills me with hope. That package can't get here soon enough.

*   Dottie the silver-laced Wyandotte ended the MFA Hens' Great Moulting Egg-strike of Twenty-thirteen today with a small, brown egg. I bought eggs twice and still have my butcher-eye on the three Americaunas, but everyone has until the end of the month (perhaps less if food becomes an issue).

*   Pfeffer gave birth to ten kits the day before yesterday, and all but one were born alive. Today there are still nine, despite the cold. She has cocooned them in a very generously-furred nest in the hay-stuffed box I provided in her raised hutch and is being a good mama to them.

*   I bought some raw clover honey and am very pleased with it. Most folks prefer local honey, but I've found it to be pricier (for some damn reason) and will (hopefully) soon be swimming in the stuff from my own back yard, so I decided to read reviews and go with an economical but delicious small-batch produced South Dakota honey. I've been reading too much Lorelei James, mebbe.

*   Still feeling warm and happy because Tiffany Reisz is my twitter-friend :)

*   I have a local, grassfed beef-tongue braising and my trusty meat grinder/pasta-maker sterilized and ready to go. Tonight we feast on tacos de lengua!

*   Dairy-free isn't bothering me TOO-too much just yet. I think maybe because after gluten-free anything else is a snap, plus also I am used to cooking with coconut oil rather than butter or shortening from Little Child's babyhood and toddler years. Anyway, so far so good.

   So that's all that I know good. How about you?

nice try, universe

   So a friend on the facespace messaged me, concerned because she knows I'm "one of those organic types" and she'd heard about a recall of organic spinach. That actually IS the brand I usually buy, but I have been too broke to go to the Big Box Store where I usually get the stuff, and am using kale in my smoothies instead for the time being. So hahaHA, universe, ya missed me!

   In other news, I tried Ener-G gluten-free pizza shells. I purchased a pack of two and had one for dinner last night (and breakfast this morning). It was edible, but just "eh." Glutino Table Crackers, on the other hand, are pretty darned good, although my opinion may have been swayed by OMG CRACKERS excitement.

Figure One: These are pretty good.

   Finally, a friend on the Twitter suggested Enjoy Life crunchy chocolate chip cookies. And they? ARE EXCELLENT.

Figure Two: Dunno what the heck these are made of, since there's no wheat, or dairy, or ANYthing, but they're delicious.

 

Disclosure: Those are affiliate links, which means that if you buy the products through them, I get a nickel or something. I LIKE NICKELS.

gluten-free, dairy-free banana muffins that do not suck

• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon lemon zest
• 1 cup brown rice flour
• 1/2 cup potato flour
• 1/4 cup tapioca flour
• 1/2 cup (8 tablespoons) coconut oil (I started using coconut oil because Little Child was allergic to the dairy protein molecule as a grub and still use it in a lot of baked goods because of the excellent flavor and texture it gives them)
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons agave nectar
• 2 large eggs
• 1 1/2 cup very mashed ripe bananas (about 2 medium bananas)
• up to 1/2 cup nuts, if you want (I skipped it, because times is tight)
  
  Blend all dry ingredients except sugar.
  
  Cream coconut oil, sugar, and agave nectar together with lemon zest, then add the dry mix, then the eggs, mixing as you go.
  
  
  Figure One: I finally cracked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and bought eggs, since my hens are really milking this molt for all it's worth. Guess which egg came from the store? And that's an Eggland's Best cage-free one on the right, not even store-brand or anything. Slack-arse chickens!
  
  Put liners in a cupcake tin, and spray each one with nonstick spray for easy removal. Glop full of mixture; it will make an even dozen (don't be scared to make the liners pretty full--this doesn't puff up QUITE as much as wheat muffins).
  
  I baked these at 375 for 23 minutes, and it was a hair too much, so I'd say 20 minutes give or take, and since Hotter can eat anydamnthing he wants (not that I'm bitter) and was bartering sex acts for muffins, I'd say they were pretty good :)

more everything than nothing

   I am so daggone busy, y'all, that I barely have time to fret over The Unbloggability, which given that it's LITERALLY a matter of life and death, is really saying something.

   For starters, Job #2 is full-time for now, but I still have Job #1 (also full-time). Plus, because I am poor but also mildly insane, I got a THIRD (mercifully PART-time) job.

   So...yeah. I worked until eleven last night at one job, had to be at a second at 6:30 a.m. withOUT spending the night downtown again, and worked fourteen hours straight, roughly half of which I spent running from place to place delivering things to various concession stands.

   And here, because I am just bowled over by this and also STILL unmedicated for the raging ADD (now that I can finally AFFORD to pay attention, in that I have insurance that will cover both my shrink and my meds without breaking the bank, I do not have TIME to go to the doctor, nor do any of my jobs command enough brainpower to make that a priority), a brief digression into a tale about popcorn:

   You know that utterly delicious, yellow-fake-buttery popcorn you buy at theaters, concerts, circuses, and sporting events? You know how sometimes you get a bucket of it that TASTES fine and doesn't seem stale in the least but just kind of sticks to your teeth, in a mysterious and aggravating fashion? Do you know why that is? I WILL TELL YOU WHY THAT IS. It's because most large venues actually truck the stuff in (or, more likely, have it trucked in by the promoters of a large-scale event, then freeze the extra) a couple of times per month, and fill their walk-in freezer with bags of it when they do. That popcorn freezes just fine, and defrosts and you would never know the difference, unless the venue had it frozen TOO long, in which case it sticks to everyone's teeth. BUT MFA MAMA, you say, I SEE THEM POPPING THAT CORN IN THE LOBBY. No, actually you do not. You see and smell them popping corn in the lobby for a) the illusion that the popcorn is fresh and b) the smell, because that makes everyone want popcorn.

   Are you as grossed out by that as I am? Probably more so, since I still ate roughly my bodyweight in that nasty-assed, hydrogenated palm-kernel-oiled, frozen GMO popcorn today, but now we ALL know how ashamed I should be!

   Aaaaanyway, you may or may not notice that there is a new advertiser on the blog. Lijit, a member of the Federated Media Publishing family, has partnered with the Clever Girls Collective and offered members (including yours truly) access to their kickass array of services including paid advertising (obvs), real-time analytics, fast payments, and what they claim is the "best human support in the business." Which honestly? I think they're right. I filled out a quick form expressing my interest, and almost immediately heard back from Farid in Publisher Development, who personally walked me through the process with a series of e-mails and seems like a good egg all-around. I don't gain anything by talking Lijit up, not even any kind of referral credit, I'm just explaining the new left sidebar content and letting y'all know that so far I'm really impressed with the company and as of yet they haven't blacklisted me for talking about cocks of any color or made me want to take a flamethrower to my own blog, so, you know: YAY.

   And with that, I am off to try and finish The Apothecary's Daughter before my nighty-night pills kick in and it's a new day and I start a new job, AGAIN. Because despite all of the working, when I stop for a minute, the worry is still there, and I am trying to drown it out with historical fiction (and drugs of the legal variety). Wish me luck.

roadside attraction pie

Thank you COOL WHIP for sponsoring this post. Join us on Facebook for inspiration and recipes for everyday treats. What you add makes it. #coolwhipmoms

 

   First, you need to find some blackberries. Don't go to the store, where you'll pay five bucks a pint for organic blackberries (if you're lucky enough to find them), find yourself a field by some woods by a country road with brambles all around the edge. Take the kids. Take the dog. Pick wild Queen Anne's Lace to put on your table. Get dirty. Pick berries until you've got four cups of berries (not counting the ones you've eaten).

   Go home. Check yourself for ticks. Wash the dog because she ran through a mud puddle eleventy-five times and she was having so much fun you didn't have the heart to stop her. Rinse your berries and pick through them for leaves and stray grass seeds.

Figure One: See that half-ripe one? Get that out of there! Who let that one in, anyway? Eat it even though you know it's going to be sour. 

   If you're me, you'll have a good-sized stalk of rhubarb kicking around from the farmer's market that's maybe gotten a little bendy, and you'll decide to throw that in there, too, so it doesn't go to waste.

Figure Two: When the youngest asks to taste the rhubarb, tell him it's too sour by itself and he won't like it. If he takes that as a challenge, go ahead and let him taste it anyway. Laugh. A LOT.

   Whip up a batch of pie crust. Nothing too fancy, just two cups of unbleached all-purpose flour sifted with a teaspoon of salt, two-thirds of a cup of the butter of your choice (I'm a grassfed cultured kind of girl, but whatever cranks your tractor), and five tablespoons of water. Cut the butter into the flour/salt mixture until the largest chunks are the size of baby peas, sprinkle the water over that, knead briskly, just until you've got a cohesive ball of dough, and divide into two parts. Roll one out for the bottom of your pie, fold in half, then in half again, and position the corner at the center of your pie pan/dish/Pyrex thingy. Unfold--voila!

   Put a cup and a half of the sugar of your choice (we're an organic evaporated cane juice household) mixed with a quarter cup of flour within reach, and decide at the last minute to pave the bottom of your bottom crust with thin slices of unpeeled apple in the hope that the pectin will keep the berries from getting too runny. By now you'll be running behind, covered in flour, peevish, and too sticky to take a picture. That's okay. We've all see apples before.

   Layer half the berries and rhubarb over the apple slices, sprinkling with the sugar/flour mixture as you go. Add another layer of apple slices, more berries and rhubarb, more sugar/flour mixture, until you run out. Sprinkle with about a teaspoon of fresh lemon juice, and dot with a tablespoon or two of butter. Roll out your second ball of pie crust dough, cover the fruit, and pinch the edges of the two crusts together. If you didn't end up with a perfect circle, patch it with a piece of extra dough. Nobody's perfect.

   Pierce your crust to vent, brush with milk to make it shiny, and sprinkle some vanilla sugar on top. Bake in an oven preheated to 450 for ten minutes, then turn the heat down to 350 and bake until the crust is golden-brown (about another forty minutes).

Figure Three: Yeah, the pie is a little cosmetically-challenged. But hey, it's homemade and delicious!

   Let your pie cool while you make dinner and a tub of COOL WHIP Whipped Topping thaws. Eat dinner. Bargain with your kids over bites of chicken. Tell them to sit up. Tell them to sit down. Tell them to put their legs down and use their fork and OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU JUST SIT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING? Avoid eye contact with your spouse lest one of you laugh and ruin the ferocity of your disapproval.

  Get everyone another fork and plate and cut the pie. If it's runny, shrug and switch to bowls and spoons, then cover the unsightly mess with COOL WHIP and dig in. It'll be delicious either way.

   I make everyday desserts like "Roadside Attraction Pie" up on the fly on my days off to give my family a tangible reminder that I love them even when they're acting like total savages (and to use up bendy rhubarb). Plus fruit pie is ALMOST a balanced breakfast.

   Almost.

 

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor. Advertisers do not produce the content. I was compensated for this post as a member of Clever Girls Collective, but the content is all my own.

social media-y goodness, and some stuff you should do/join/try [ETA]

Figure One: It has no soul.

 

   If you like garden porn and don't already follow me on the Instagram, you are missing out.

   If you like free stuff and have yet to join Swagbucks and started searching with it, you're REALLY missing out (and so am I, because I'd get a referral credit, but mostly you--I just cashed in some Swagbucks for an Amazon.com gift card YESTERDAY).

   If you aren't a member of eBates yet, you should totally join AND USE IT, because look:

Figure Two: This is why you want to join eBates! Also because you love me and want me to get credit for referring you.

   And if you join BOTH then sometimes you will search for eBates' site with Swagbucks, win eleven SBs for the search, and then find out that your favorite store is today's daily double and you will be motherfucking THRILLED.

   Now if you'll excuse me, I am way behind on my sleep, and work is nuts, and WHY WAS TODAY NOT FRIDAY? I CALL SHENANIGANS.

   How are all of YOU?

 

ETA: See comments section for an answer to WTF IS THAT THING UP TOP???

bullets! we haven't had those in a while!

*   I think I have that post-steroid taper depression thing going on. It sucks.

*   Today a red beverage exploded on me at work and drenched my shirt, my newest pair of pants, THE PURSE, and The Precious. To say I was not amused would have been an understatement; this motherfucking beverage basically assaulted every non-living thing I hold dear. I nearly cried, especially after Googling said beverage and finding that it is notorious for exploding on people and staining things indelibly. Fortunately, the Otterbox saved The Precious and Oxiclean saved everything else. YAY, OXICLEAN! BOO, SPARKLING ICE BLACK RASPBERRY WITH EXTRA RED #40! 

*   To try and shake myself out of the doldrums (and burn off angst from some fuckery on the part of the men of the planet) (The XY is being a tool and Hotter has lately confused his role as the resident Jackass Whisperer with being the resident Jackass Advocate), I started the Couch to 10k workout program today. YAY, RUNNING! Unfortunately, BOO, COUCH TO 10K! I found the app (a NON-FREE one, no less!) to be anything BUT user-friendly, and ended up programming the intervals it seemed to be suggesting for Day One, Week One into Runkeeper (which is free, which would seem to defeat the purpose of paying for Couch to 10K). You win some, you lose some, I guess. The good news is, I went running (or run-walk-run-walk-run-walkOMGing) and did not die. My legs felt alright. My lungs were a little bitchy. I had way too much jiggle going on. But I did it!

*   I was ready for it to be Friday yesterday. 

*   Chia seeds are my new favorite thing ever. SO delicious. I mentioned this on the facespace and people's reactions were divided between "HELL YEAH!" and "what do you do with them?" So yeah, you put them in smoothies or float them in beverages (I like them in kefir, both the milk and the water kinds). If you float them in beverages they swell up and sort of en-goo-ify to a tapioca consistency. So if you are skeeved out by tapioca they are not for you, but I happen to love the stuff! Textural bliss aside, the things are packed with Omega 3s and fiber.

*   k mentioned today on the Twitter that she wanted a soda fountain, a Murphy bed, and a butler for her office. Doesn't that just sound fabulous? I think I would like the same.

*   Condescending Wonka is cracking me up. The Northface jacket one is a classic, but this one may just be my favorite. Of course, this one is kind of awesomely meta...

*   I have a post brewing about my hatred of Banfield Pet Hospital...but I'm pissy enough today without getting into all of that hot mess.

*   Like right now? My ex-husband is sweating my jock via rather aggressively via text message about my youngest's shoes, which he claims are irreparably damaged. He wants to know when I am going to buy the child more shoes. I want to see the shoes before I answer that question, and possibly augment them with some duct tape as a stopgap measure. EVERYONE WANTS DIFFERENT THINGS, OH THE HUMANITY.

*   I noticed last night that Isis appears to be down one nipple as a result of her recent surgery, and it irks the hell out of me. Not because she has any use for ANY of her nipples or because of the symmetry so much as because THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER NIPPLE, WHY TAKE IT OFF? Maybe I need to simmer the hell down with my feminism when it gets to the point of anthropomorphosization and body outrage by proxy, but MY DOG WAS ROBBED. Thank you to everyone from the Twitter who expressed their condolences regarding this horrible travesty. We are attempting to move past it as a family.

*   How are all of YOU?