MFA Mama

in which I have a mostly good weekend and clearly it angers the gods

*   Friday night Hotter came down with Middle Child's most recent GI bug.

*   Undaunted, and fortified with Immodium and a fabulous purse filled with snacks, we sallied forth on Saturday and saw The Hunger Games with those movie vouchers. It was excellent.

*   Sunday I mowed, edged, trimmed, and weeded ALL THE THINGS. Which is good, because it rained all damn day Saturday and rained again today and the plants (the grass included) are all growing like mofos.

*   Today was Big Child's birthday. In preparation for that I went into work an hour and fifteen minutes early, left early, ran to Trader Joe's with my rubber checkbook, and got groceries (we were out of EVERYTHING). Then I headed straight home, brought the groceries into the house, and...threw my back ALL THE WAY OUT reaching to put a package of organic string cheese away in the fridge.

*   Yeah. I can dig three-foot trenches, throw sixty-pound bags of potting soil around, hell, I can dead-lift my HUSBAND and carry him on a triumphant lap around our living room just to be a dick prove a point, but a one-pound bag of cheese sticks? Dropped me in my tracks today like I'd been pole-axed.

*   This is the worst back pain I have ever experienced, I think. Including the time I broke my goddamn back. I have taken a liver-damaging amount of Tylenol-laced narcotics and a hefty dose of naproxen (FUCK MY CLOTTING TIME! IN THE ASS! WITH EVERY DICK THAT EVER THERE WAS, THIS IS THAT BAD) and I still can't move any of my limbs without yelping. Also, my legs aren't working very well. Nobody panic, this isn't all that unusual for me when my back is acting up, it's just never been THIS BAD before. I like to think I have a pretty robust pain threshold, but this has me whimpering like a little bitch. If I don't wake up tomorrow miraculously improved I don't have any idea what I'll do.

*   Well, that's a damn lie. Unless I lose the ability to walk I will go to work anyway and be fucking MISERABLE all day, is what I'll do. But right now I don't see how I'll manage. Of course, I didn't see how I'd bake the requested triple-coconut/vanilla layer cake earlier, either, and I still did that, so I guess I'll do what I have to do and even smile during if need be. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.

*   How are all of YOU?

today BROUGHT IT!

*   I may have a freelance gig doing something I am only marginally qualified to do for someone terrifyingly rich and important at PseudoCorp. When they asked me to meet with them I thought it was regarding PseudoCorp business, but instead they want my help with a personal project that is kind of neat but OH MY GOD DID I MENTION HOW BIG AND IMPORTANT AND RICH AND TERRIFYING THEY ARE? YES? WELL THIS IS ME DOING IT AGAIN BECAUSE GAHHHHH!

*   Okay. Deep breaths. I'm actually more qualified than I thought to do this, in fact it may be something I could start doing as a consultant on the regular if I can get over the overwhelming urge to puke on The Client's shoes and run screaming and waving my hands in the air, heedless to the enormity of my pit-stains (what, you don't sweat profusely when you're nervous? LUCKY YOU). I just...well. I have kind of a complex when it comes to rich people stemming back to my childhood when the only rich people I knew were banging The Narcissist and lavishing her with gifts, which I think my dad kind of accepted as his penance for transgressions of his own in prior marriages, but the whole thing kind of cheesed me off because it tended to throw fuel on the fires of her "I was meant for better than this" complex, with "this" meaning "me." WHOA. AWKWARD. I don't talk about The Narcissist on here (or anywhere else) much for a reason. ANYWAY. Rich people. TERRIFYING. Shit.

*   I have a strict "no turning down work" policy, however. I will put on my big girl panties and Do Lunch with the rich people next week and see where it leads. If I do a good job this might be a foot in the doorway to Better Things. So: YAY!

*   Then I came home and TORE UP the garden, and didn't even find and have to kill any venomous snakes in the process, so, you know, that was good.

*   And then...well. The boys had dinner visitation with their father tonight and I won't stoop ALL the way to juvenile lockerroom bragging, but...a bar has been raised in this house, and that's all I will say.

*   Hotter is feeling much better, obviously. 

*   I am starting to feel less panicky about Big Child's pending birthday. I Have A Plan. He has an Innernet Fairy Godmother who stepped in and is helping me out with the whole Red Robin thing (which is fabulous, because he will be thrilled but also because with his Asperger's if you do something ONCE you have set a PRECEDENT and if you don't do it again the next time the world will fly off its axis and crash into the sun and we will all DIIIIIIIIE...okay, not really. It's not QUITE that bad. But no matter how carefully I tried to explain it he would most likely internalize it as "Red Robin is where one goes for birthdays and we are not going this year because I HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG" and start washing his hands raw again and making us repeat everything we say until we hit the magic number of repetitions, so: yeah), and the only thing Big Child has mentioned really wanting lately (my kids don't ask for much...they know we're poor and don't ask unless they're really, REALLY jonesing for something special) is a Hunger Games t-shirt that one of his friends has that he is convinced is ONLY sold at the very mall where the local Red Robin is located. So if I tell Big Child we have to wait until a non-schoolnight then I will have gotten paid and will be able to get him the t-shirt while we're there for dinner next Friday night. It'll kill me a little bit to buy it in person without a coupon or any cash back from eBates, but it'll make him happy so I will deal :)

*   And now I am off to bed...how are all of YOU?

Ass Wednesday

*   There is nothing quite like finding out you've been fucking ROBBED before 6 a.m. to start your day off shitty. Well okay, not technically robbed, but apparently Temp Agency #1 reset everyone's W-4 status to "single, no exemptions" as of Valentine's Day for who-knows-what-reason and I was supposed to know to refile my tax forms? I don't know. What I do know is that my paycheck this week was light by about 20%, which? UNACCEPTABLE.

*   Don't tell me I'll get it back next April, because I won't. The Department of Education will get it next April. I think this is part of why I was so deeply unhappy about the whole thing (aside from the whole "money snatched from my pocket while attempting to save up for badly-needed medical care for my husband" bit); it reminded me that I suck and am a loser.

*   Speaking of things that suck, why the buggery FUCK doesn't Medicare cover preventive dental care for transplant recipients, anyway? I get that a lot of dental work can be considered cosmetic, and that technically one can get by without teeth, but here's the thing: in an immunocompromised person a dental infection can kill. There is nothing optional about getting the very worst of what's wrong with Hotter's mouth fixed, and Medicare isn't even saving Uncle Sam any money by not covering this stuff, because I'm guessing not a lot of single transplant recipients go on to marry people who are willing to work their ass off and handle this shit. Which means that some of those who are even more fucked than Hotter is end up getting infections, which if they are too poor to have broken teeth extracted and cavities filled and already scrambling to cover their 20% of the medications they need to take every day to not DIE they probably aren't going to go in for right away. When they end up septic Medicare then covers their ambulance trip, their ER bed, their emergency oral surgery and week of IV antibiotics, their echocardiogram to see if they have vegetation on their heart valves, their maintenance meds and ICU bed, and whatever else they need while they're in-patient (and taking a transplant patient to the hospital is like taking a teenaged car to the mechanic--you may go in with a specific goal in mind but they WILL find more work to do while you're there). And all of that for the unfortunate few? Costs a HELL of a lot more than two cleanings and a set of x-rays every year for everybody, even if those DO reveal the need for a few fillings and maybe an extraction or two. /soapbox

*   So I had kind of a crappy day, but it wasn't entirely without merit. For one thing, today I wore a new scarf (this scarf was the last frivolous thing I bought before money went utterly to hell again) that thrills me to the very core for two reasons. First, it's a fabulous scarf (half silk, half pashmina, butter-soft and utterly gorgeous). And second, it was an AMAZING deal ($9.99, free shipping, 1% cash back).

*   Speaking of deals, this free app gave me a sick little thrill earlier today. It's designed to help you find the cheapest gas around, but that's not what I use it for. I already know that Big Box Membership Store will have the cheapest gas around and so unless I have some fuel points from Local Grocery Store to use elsewhere I just buy gas there. No, I use GasBuddy to GLOAT. Yesterday I paid $3.36/gallon for gas at Big Box Membership Store and today that same gas (from the same place) is $3.42/gallon!!! So I saved a little over a dollar by filling the MFA Minivan up yesterday on my way home instead of waiting until today. WHOO TITS!

*   Also my dog is crazy-cute:

Figure One: Of *course* I mean Isis. Bumpus? IS NO DOG OF MINE! He's on his second psych med now; the first one didn't work and while on it he ate a door. I love how Isis does the homie lean, or maybe she's just trying to get AWAY from Bumpus (actually they are the best of friends, which is one of the only two reasons Bumpus still draws breath under my roof, the other one being that so far the cost of the therapy Big Child would need if I got rid of the stupid dog still outweighs what we'll lose of our security deposit thanks to his crazypants antics).

*   And then a sweet friend did something incredibly kind that really raised my spirits. I don't know if she'd be okay with my saying what she did, exactly, or naming her, but I really needed something to cheer my sorry ass up, and this did the job. 

*   I am off to bed, because tomorrow is a seventeen-hour day. Ooof. God, I hate money.

two things I forgot to tell you:

1. When Big Child pointed out "tits" on the WWF board he pronounced it "TIGHTS." Which means he only knows it from reading it somewhere, and I am calling that a win (plus also hilarious).

2. The Amazing Lip Balm giveaway will end Friday, 2/17 whenever I get home from work and fire up the computer. GET TO ENTERING!

words with perverts

   I've always said my kids and I don't have much of a sense of community, but last night? A truly touching and special moment occurred between me and my boys and the innernet! I was sitting at the table playing Words With Friends and keeping the littles company while they cut a whitepages phonebook into spaghetti-strips for the worm box, and Big Child came and hung over my shoulder trying to come up with a word for me. Middly and Little Child got up, too, and wanted to see the board, so we all had a look. 

   "Since the game is called Words With Friends, the person you are playing with is your friend, right," asked Big Child, The Literal. I took a breath to say that I often play random strangers because I am addicted to Words With Friends a big fat slut on the innernet, just ask Daddy everyone's friend but then noticed that yes, actually my opponent was someone I "met" online as a blog reader years and years ago, am now Facespace friends with, and who my kids have an awareness of and HEYYYY! "Yep, that's _______," I said. "You know your favorite jammies, Little Child, and your snow boots, Middly? Her son is the big kid who broke 'em in for ya and she is the one who sent me that heavy package full of stuff for you guys."

   "Coool!"

   I think my kids have had a kind of binary view of the innernet. It is made up of our friends who send us stickers and hand-me-downs, homemade hand-balm that soothes eczema and birthday cards, gift cards that have fed us celebratory dinners and good knock-knock jokes, and then there are The Perverts.

   The Perverts are why Big Child wasn't allowed to subscribe to Lego Universe, even if he used his birthday money from the XY's family (because the subscription version had a chat feature, which means The Perverts could get at you!). They're also to blame for people not being allowed to link their DSis and Xboxes and Wiis to the (encrypted, password-protected) wireless router. "What do The Perverts DO, Mommy? I wouldn't give anyone our address or anything! They can't like, reach through the innernet and get me!" They're perverts, I say. They are clever and nasty and good at manipulating kids, and I am not taking any chances with them. When you're eighteen and you get your own innernet you'll see what I mean. The MFA Children seem to think The Perverts are perhaps mythical figures Hotter and I have made up to avoid sharing the innernet or something, but they largely accept it.

   "Heeeey, wait. Your friend just played TITS. IS YOUR FRIEND A PERVERT?"

***************************************************************************

   In the spirit of community amongst friendly perverts, a giveaway of a fabulous product made by a reader:

   YES, A GIVEAWAY. TO ENTER, GO TO @RAINBOWSOUFFLE'S ETSY SHOP AND THEN COME BACK HERE AND LEAVE ME A COMMENT TELLING ME YOUR FAVORITE THING SHE HAS LISTED. WINNER GETS SOME OF THAT FABULOUS BALM, FOR FREE!

   This is the stuff I carry in my work bag and use every day. It really helps keep my cuticles from disintegrating entirely in the winter between food service and virus season and animals and children...that's a lot of hand-washing. If you don't win some you should totally buy some, and that is my unsolicited and honest review of the stuff. I am very happy one of you gets to try it!

and then Hotter and I both died laughing

Big Child: [tells long and obviously untrue* tale of how he and Middle Child came to be fighting and found themselves called before an unamused MFA Mama] 
Middle Child: (holding a hand up and waving it at Big Child as if to deflect his lies) NO, NO, NO! Dass NOT a cool story, bro!

 

*   Big Child is the worst liar I have ever met, INCLUDING myself (which is really saying something, because god I suck at lying). I don't know why he even tries. It's hard to even get appropriately mad at him sometimes because it's so bad it's like ANOTHER disability to add to his list.

and now for something that doesn't suck!

   In the interest of being greener (and hopefully saving a little money), I decided to put up some insulating window film this winter. Casa MFA is old and kind of drafty, and Hotter's and my bedroom in particular gets COLD, especially if we sleep with the door shut, which we do most nights so that a) Isis doesn't get down from the bed and go wandering and b) we can sleep naked if we so choose without scarring the kids for life. So I researched it and the general consensus per the innernet was that this product was by far superior in both performance and ease of installation:

Figure One: Yep, it's an affiliate link.

   So I ordered myself some kits (although I actually didn't order mine from Amazon; I am too cheap to join Amazon Prime and didn't need enough kits to qualify for free Super Saver shipping so instead I got mine from Drugstore.com) (they have 'em on sale currently and right now you can get 12% cashback through eBates as well--WIN!) and a couple of days ago I installed them with help from Hotter and Big Child.

   The installation was a breeze, which is really saying something when you consider that I was mixing mySELF, heights, double-sided tape, and the assistance of my husband and oldest child. You don't have to get the film perfectly taut before adhering it to the tape; it shrinks up nicely when you heat it with the hairdryer. WHOO TITS!

   As far as the performance of the product goes, Hotter and I got a night of very poor sleep the first night after we installed the things, because WE WERE HOT (I did the windows in our bedroom first but didn't want to lower the thermostat until we did the boys' rooms). Once we adjusted the thermostat (we ended up lowering it by three whole degrees after everyone's windows were done) all was roses, and I can't wait to see how this affects our power bill! 

   So yeah, 3M gets two thumbs way up in my unsponsored, uncompensated review that they totally didn't endorse in any way, shape or form, and all of y'all should give this a try (preferably either through that affiliate link up there or by signing up for eBates through my referral link and buying them from Drugstore, heh).

bullets of goodness

*   No, PseudoCorp hasn't hired me. DANG IT. But today I volunteered to learn a new job-specific skill that hopefully increases my value to the company. I asked fully expecting to get shot down, because it's a Very Important Duty, but didn't. WIN! I will ingratiate myself to them until they make me an offer, SO HELP ME GODIVA.

*   Oh, right. TOWDM is on vacation for a while. A good long stretch free of One Who Dislikes Me-ness! Not that she's ugly to me, really, anymore. She's as pleasant to me as she is to anyone since I made my peace offering, but she "doesn't like to converse" and it's weird when we work side-by-side for eight hours with ZERO SMALLTALK. I don't even try anymore, since it pisses her off. The day before she left for vacation, though, PseudoCorp had VIP visitors and The One Who Dislikes Me was wretched enough to those of us below her station in general that I don't think anyone will miss her; there's a much different feel to my job without her around. More people stopping at my desk to chat, more friendly banter, etc. It's nice.

*   PseudoCorp = corporate FEEDER. Holiday lunch. Holiday dinner for lunch in the cafeteria. Free gourmet boxed lunch from place that has been featured on Food Network. Cookies from vendors. Cookies (OMG TRANSCENDENTLY FABULOUS COOKIES) from The Boss (who, I have since found out, used to be a professional pastry chef). Box of chocolates from my department. Holy wow. I've still continued to lose weight overall, however, as the ticker reflects.

*   The power company let us get back on budget billing. As you may recall, they booted us off for no apparent reason, and I'd been worrying about the upcoming very-cold months (Casa MFA has electric heat) resulting in monster bills despite our efforts to be energy-conscious, because that's just how it is when the furnace has to run around the clock to maintain a remotely livable temperature for weeks at a time. We'll still have the monster bills, but we'll pay a fixed amount that is doable. YAY! I have also ordered some window insulation film kits to install next week, and am eager to see what kind of results we get from those.

*   The holiday shopping is ALL DONE and the stuff has ALL ARRIVED. This is huge, because I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to GET holiday gifts this year (I only bought stuff for the kids, really, as Hotter asked if he could subscribe to something for recreation purposes as his gift...I was kind of pissed because I'd picked out something for him and gotten excited about the idea, but he's a big boy and can pick his own gift if he wants to and this way I know he's happy with what he got, but I think they will be happy). I actually got everyone really NICE gifts, even, in part by starting months ahead and doing my bargain-hunter thing and in part thanks to readers Becca and Devivo and the ever-fabulous Dr. Anon, the self-appointed elves who helped me take care of the final touches after things went to hell. I still need to wrap everything, but Hotter and I are practically giddy in anticipation of watching the MFA Children's reactions to their loot.

*   I'm not working AT ALL this weekend, nor am I taking on any work if any of the temp agencies call me. Instead, I am doing some house-stuff, grooming, bathing, and preventative-caring both dogs, and baking panels to build gingerbread houses with my family. WHOO TITS! 

*  Big Child's results from the county's Gifted Testing came in today's mail, and he is officially gifted in the areas of English and Social Studies. This is good news in that he is eligible to participate in enrichment activities and opportunities that I can't afford to expose him to, on the school system's dime, and I think he's going to love it. It's BAD news in that he was already kind of insufferable. HEE!

*   I think I'm finally on the way down the other side of the misery mountain, and apologize for the recent sparse posting. Tell me how all of YOU are doing!

love/hate Thursday a la k

Love: That so far, this cold has not incapacitated me (in that I am still able to go to work and exercise, albeit with less energy and more achyness/bloating than usual).

Hate: That I'm still lowly worm.

Love: We made rent!

Hate: Now nobody is allowed to need a doctor, a mechanic, or a day off until the fifteenth at the very earliest, because OMG THE MONEY, IT IS ALLLLL GOOOOONE! 

Love: I'm way more muscular lately than I am accustomed to being. A couple of days ago I was walking and the top of my compression sleeve (I wear them on both legs from ankle to knee to hopefully help support the healing stress fractures) started to roll down. I went to pull my khakis up to fix that and found that it was VERY DIFFICULT to get the cuff up over my calf muscle. AM RIPPED LIKE JESUS!

Hate: My weight loss has plateaued for the time being, and yes, I said stress fractureS, plural.

Love: The super-cool opportunity that blogging has brought me to speak with one of the nation's leading specialists in orthopedic maladies and sports medicine in the very near future about ways to hopefully help prevent further injury.

Hate: That he's probably going to give me the "you poor thing" face and the "are you crazy" face both when he hears my orthopedic history and exercise goals. I haven't seen one in ages, but there is a certain feeling of failure that comes with seeing a top-level specialist and having THEM be horrified by what is wrong with you (at least if you're me). I haven't missed that.

Love: That there are gadgets like USB-powered electric blankets and slippers in the world.

Hate: That my workplace is so miserably cold and my circulation so poor as to make such things truly necessary (the blanket is for work and the slippers are for home use; I actually only wear them in bed to keep the soles clean but my feet get so cold without them that the pulses vanish up to my heels, yeouch).

Love: That Social Security gave Hotter a PHONE appointment for tomorrow, so that I don't have to take time off from work to drive him to the local branch office.

Hate: That the reason for said appointment is the "preliminary action notice" informing us that Hotter is NOT eligible for "extra help." 

Hate 2.0: How does Social Security screw up as much as they do? HOW? They counted the child support I receive from the XY for the MFA Children as income for our household but did not count the three CHILDREN as members of same. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN, I FILLED OUT THE APPLICATION ONLINE AND I KNOW I LISTED THE CHILDREN GAHHHHHHHH!!!

Love: That I have friends who work with children who remind me that the nine year change is normal and my immature-for-his-chronological-age ten-year-old won't always be an asshole.

Hate: The  nine year change.

Love: I beat Antiangie at Words With Friends! That was HUGE (she has mopped the floor with me many, many times).

Hate: I also played Jenndola for the first time recently. It were humiliating, y'all.

   What are you loving and hating today?

happy Thanksgiving

   I don't have anything profound to say, but wanted to let y'all know that I managed to drag myself out of my doldrums and get my thankful on in time to bake, cook, and otherwise prepare a wonderful holiday dinner that we all enjoyed a lot. We had our homegrown turkey (she was very slightly tougher than a storebought bird, as we let her roam freely instead of confining her for the sake of tenderness, but moist and with an excellent flavor), ham, mashed potatoes, baked yams with Shebangarang, stuffing, fresh-baked rolls, green brean casserole, homemade cranberry sauce, and I baked two kinds of pie (pumpkin and pecan) (I made the pecan one with Agave nectar instead of corn syrup, which I wholeheartedly recommend as a healthier and equally delicious alternative). It was delicious, and I ate way too much (seriously, I've been on a strict diet the past few weeks and not used to large portions or rich foods...both at once nearly made me ill). Big Child was, as always, an appreciative audience for Hotter's and my culinary performance, Middly didn't cry at the table (which is always a victory with that kid), and Little Child was insanely picky with what he'd eat of the dinner but somehow managed TWO slices of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top. The dogs enjoyed some meat scraps, having had their real Thanksgiving on Tuesday when I killed the turkey (Isis ate the head, neck, and feet while Bumpus got the heart, liver, and intestines). I'm sure the dread of what the future holds will kick back in at some point, but right now I'm still in a tryptophan haze and nearly through with the Hunger Games trilogy (SO GOOD), so I'm going to get back to that. I just wanted y'all to know that we made the holiday a good one and I'm thankful as always for my wonderful friends inside the computer, who do things like leave me wall posts on the facespace saying "pecker UP!" and make me giggle no matter what is going on. Y'all are the best! xox