MFA Mama

Monday miscellany [ETA] [ETA again)

*   From what I could tell, the second interview this morning went well. They're going to run a criminal background check and talk to my references, and make a decision hopefully by the end of this week. A friend has shared that in her experience this usually means the job is yours unless you are a felon, and since I am not a felon I am cautiously optimistic.

*   I have not made a final decision re: Pristiq vs. Effexor yet. My online research has revealed that Pristiq has the same active ingredient as Effexor, but Effexor contains some other additional "stuff" (possibly inert ingredients?) that seems to heighten the incidence of side effects. Hotter spoke to his mother yesterday and apparently asked her to help us out with this, which I have...let's go with "mixed feelings"...about since I don't know that she can afford to do that. Either way I really don't want to pay as much out of pocket as Pristiq costs, particularly when we need that money so badly for other bills. I have reached out to Anthem to see what my options are for short-term individual coverage in the meantime; if their website is to be believed that may cost about the same as a one-month supply of Pristiq would out of pocket, in which case obviously acquiring health insurance would be the way to go with this and also take care of most of the cost of the prescription. If not then I'm back to making a tough call. Feel free to weigh on on Pristiq vs. Effexor in the interim if you have any experience with either drug and/or switching between the two.

*   Thank you for your kind words, both here and on the facespace/via e-mail, about The Narcissist's passing, and I'm sorry to hear that so many of you also have a narcissist in your family tree. 

*   As part of my duties for Temp Agency #2, I recently helped a client make restaurant reservations and came across this place's website in the process. The image of the roasted bird (it looks kind of small for a chicken; I'm thinking that if they're serving it this way it's most likely a Cornish game hen) on the front page has been haunting me ever since. WHY ARE THE FEET STILL ATTACHED? I don't see how this sight on their plate would enhance anyone's dining experience, and more importantly THEY SCRATCH IN POO WITH THOSE THINGS. Gahhh!

*   I am now within five pounds of my goal weight, which is exciting. I woke up yesterday to find my scale broken (nobody will fess up, naturally) and was seriously bummed as I am looking forward to seeing confirmation of having finally reached my goal, but it still works for weight, just not bodyfat and water percentages. That's fine with me; I don't use the other functions much anyway (I kind of doubt they're very accurate).

*   How are all of YOU? I am super-busy working for Temp Agency #2 as much as I am able to in an effort to keep us afloat over here. I hope your Monday is going well.

ETA: Oh my gentle Jesus, y'all. If you think that I am a big lying scammer who lies on the innernet and scams people for bad fun and profit, please do us both a favor and do not e-mail me offering to help me in any way. Just...yeah. Please don't do that. I now have someone who I thought was a friend accusing me of of either being the unluckiest person alive or having a "huge imagination," based largely on their assertion that pre-existing condition rules have changed and there is no longer a 60-day rule. I was basing my knowledge of pre-existing condition rules in the health insurance industry on information I got from Anthem the last time I shopped for individual coverage with them during The Great Health Insurance Clusterfuck of '11, referenced here and in numerous other posts from the same time period. Apparently (maybe? I don't know but I have already e-mailed Anthem to ask for some quotes and will definitely ask whoever I speak with when someone gets back to me on that) that rule is no longer in effect. I don't know. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, so please don't base any health insurance decisions of your own on anything I've said on here or decide based on my ignorance of health insurance laws that I'm full of it. Or go ahead, if that's your thing, hell, I don't even know what to say. Also, please don't base your understanding of how Pristiq works on what I have shared here. I'm aware it's not supposed to even start to wear off within one day. I've said as much. Pristiq (apparently, according to one of the several scathing e-mails I have received over the past twenty-four hours from the same party) is not a treatment for OCD. I have never been diagnosed with OCD, which is why I used the phrase "OCD tendencies." My treating physician has theorized that they may be a way that I manifest anxiety, and Pristiq does treat that, so maybe that is why it works for me? I don't know. Your mileage may vary. This message may self-destruct.

ETA (again): Well okay nevermind, I think the person I mentioned above is just afflicted with their very own dose of The Crazy. Because now they're going off on me for things like my non-belief in a higher power, which...I don't even know what to do with that. Oh, and also claiming that the standardized tests in my state have not been graded and there is no such award as the one I mentioned Big Child receiving. Which good grief, I didn't mention the name of the award because I AM PSEUDONYMOUS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, and yes, actually those tests HAVE been graded (and I sent them a link to an article about the preliminary results). I'm not going to waste any more time that would better be spent working for Temp Agency #2 on this nut-job, and have set gmail to direct any further craziness from them straight to the trash without even showing it to me. Carry on.

Pristiq (yes, still)

   Yes, I am still hung up on the medication issue. I just don't know what the best way to handle this is. The lowest price I have found for Pristiq is at Costco's pharmacy, which you don't need a membership to use. $178.92 is still a lot of money. If I thought generic Effexor would work as well, I'd switch in a New York minute, but I tried damn-near every drug on the market before settling on Pristiq and none of them worked even ALMOST as well for my depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies. I am kind of attached to the ability to get out of bed, leave the house without fear, and turn pages in a book without turning them back and re-reading the last word three times (yeah, I know, it's dumb, but if I'm not medicated I HAVE TO). If I get the job I'm interviewing for tomorrow, I really want to put my best foot forward, and if I don't my mental state is already going to be in the crapper. The question is, is it worth possibly having my phone and/or electricity shut off to stay on Pristiq?

   If I get the job, I'll just go ahead and get the Pristiq, whether that means getting short-term insurance coverage that will help with the cost or just paying out of pocket. I'm not going to get a job this good and then lose it because I can't stop crying or touching things the right number of times. That would just be dumb. If I don't get the job, that is where the decision gets harder, because it would mean there's no steady paycheck coming in on the horizon (I love Temp Agency #2, but it doesn't pay THAT well). However, it would also mean that things here are about to get super-ugly, and I don't want to do anything to compromise my mental health any further than it would be by things like talking about handing the kids over to my ex indefinitely, getting evicted, etc.

   What do y'all think? What would you do? For the record, Hotter's answer seems to be "GET THE DAMN PRISTIQ, WHATEVER THE COST. I'D RATHER REJECT MY DONOR ORGANS THAN BE AROUND YOU WITHOUT PRISTIQ IN YOUR LIFE." Thanks, honey. I have four more pills, so I need to figure this out soon.

medication update

   The Pristiq Fairy is definitely not getting out of Club Med in time to send the next bottle, and me being unmedicated for depression and anxiety right now is such a horrible idea as to be laughable if we weren't talking about THE END OF MOTHERFUCKING DAYS. My current next-best idea is to beg and plead with my doctor's office to call in Effexor without seeing me first (Pristiq is a derivative of Effexor, which is available generically, and I'm hoping my doctor will take pity on me and be willing to make the change over the phone). I'm going to wait until after my second interview Monday, because I want to be my most fabulous self for that and also if I DO get the job I'll probably use the middle-of-the-month child support to get short-term individual coverage (which is less expensive than regular individual coverage) and my first paycheck to catch up the middle-of-the-month bills, and in that case I'd just be able to fill the Pristiq (if I could scrape together the co-payment, but I'm not going to borrow trouble by worrying about that just yet). Hotter looked nervous when I mentioned the possibility of a medication change and asked if Effexor would work as well. I said no, probably not, but it would hopefully at the very least keep me from having a withdrawal seizure, which if I don't get this job is kind of the best-case scenario: not having a seizure on the way to the homeless shelter. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY LIFE, Y'ALL?

   I hate this feeling, the feeling of (to steal blatantly from an e-mail I received from a reader who phrased it better than I ever could) waiting for either the killing blow to land or the cavalry to arrive.

   Probably I won't be on here or The Twitter much for the next little bit; I'm working my ASS off for Temp Agency #2 when they have work for me (which thankfully is almost always). I'll definitely let y'all know how the second interview goes, and in the meantime if anyone needs me for anything just holler via e-mail. I sincerely hope your weekends are going better than mine!

things that shrank my black little heart back down to normal-size

*   An overdraft, and the associated fee, which I can ill-afford right now (when I took Big Child out to celebrate his big achievement, the check went over the gift card balance by a dollar and change, so I used my debit card to cover that and the tip...for some reason, PF Chang's only billed me the dollar and change initially, and yesterday they added the tip...oof).

*   The Pristiq Fairy is in the hospital :( This is mostly unfortunate for her, because Club Med sucks and she's there for some not-good stuff and I Am Worried. It is also unfortunate for me in that this prevents her from being able to send me the next bottle, and I'm going to have to start tapering down after my job interview Monday to avoid going cold-turkey and risking a seizure. This TERRIFIES ME. I can't function worth a crap without that stuff. If I get the job, I'll be setting myself up to look like a mental case, and if I don't get the job, I'm ALREADY going to be super-depressed.

*   I think this current financial clusterfuck may be The Big One, wherein I have to give the kids to my ex so that they can eat and end up losing my home, and I have no idea what to do with that, particularly if I'm off my sanity pills when it all hits the fan. Currently I'm working my arse off for Temp Agency #2 an hoping something unforeseen comes up and saves the day (maybe a callback and quick-hire from one of the dozens of applications I have out?), but if I'm honest I'm not optimistic about that.

headache

   I have had a headache for the past three days.

   So far I've tried hydrating, exercising, caffeinating, and feeding my headache, to no avail. The only thing that's helped was the night before last, when I couldn't take it any more and took a dose of store-brand Excedrin. I don't like to do that, though, as I'm a bleeder and the stuff contains aspirin (but oh man, it works SO WELL). And because many of you are medically-inclined and will ask, yes, I took my blood pressure with Hotter's home monitor. It's a little high for ME at 121/68, but I don't think that's anywhere near high enough to blame for the headache.

   I suppose it's within the realm of possibility that this is stress-related. Currently I have less than $5 to my name, the gas tank on the car is empty, the price of generic Mirapex went up to the point that it is no longer feasible to fill that without insurance, and all of this mishegas with The Narcissist probably hasn't helped my mental state any. I really, really, really need to find another job or I don't know how I'm going to keep us going over here. I need to get health insurance by the 28th or everything wrong with me will be considered "pre-existing" and not covered. I need to get my youngest a bigger bed (yes, he's still in a toddler bed, and won't be able to stretch out fully in it if he grows another half-inch). The MFA Beater is due to be inspected next month, and barely runs. I'm taking as many jobs as I can for Temp Agency #2 and hoping for the best, but I'm getting pretty worried.

   Okay, that's a damn lie: I'm scared silly.    

   How are all of YOU?

well THAT sucked

   Nothing like dragging your sick arse to the office on a Monday and finding out you're fired! I took a call from a Temp Agency #1 rep from the Front Desk of the jobsite and was told my assignment had ended and to leave the building immediately. I had kind of figured something was up, since another temp from Temp Agency #1 had shown up as well, but none of the ladies I was working with seemed to know that I was leaving and they were very upset. I played it off as "well, this happens!" but my former coworkers were angry on my behalf and said it shouldn't happen like THIS (and they're right).  I even got a hug on the way out...Temp Agency #1's rep was kind of strange on the phone when I called them back after leaving; I asked if this was because I'd been out last week and she said yes, that there were "concerns" and the client had requested a replacement.

   This is going to bug me. I just...if it's because my kid broke his collarbone and I was sick then that is beyond my control and I wouldn't have done anything differently because I couldn't have, but I feel like there's something they weren't telling me and if it's something I could change in the future then I think I ought to know. My imagination is running wild--is it because someone saw the bruises down my arms from failed IV placements in the ER a couple of weeks ago (those are STILL visible) and thought I was a junkie? I could maybe see someone noticing those and the drastic weight loss and drawing the wrong conclusions, but they could have asked me to take a drug test if that's what it was and I would have gladly complied. Maybe that's expecting too much from the client and/or the temp agency? I mean, the client wants a temp so that they don't HAVE to deal with HR stuff and the temp agency's job is to keep the client happy...Maybe the Temp Agency #1 rep just had a case of the Mondays and I'm reading too much into her tone, but I don't think I got the whole story and I don't want whatever this is to damage my relationship with Temp Agency #1. And okay FINE, part of me wonders whether Stalky is still reading avidly, figured out which Temp Agency I work for, and DID something, because when things go wrong in my life for reasons that are not readily apparent my mind tends to go down that road. It's doubtful, but who knows.

   This sucks. I don't really have the luxury of dwelling on it anywhere but on my blog, however (OMG WAS IT BECAUSE OF THE BLOG? TEMP AGENCY #1, ARE YOU READING THIS? DID YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT YOUR STANCE ON THE BLOG?), and after I got home, took off my nice twinset and khakis, put my loser-pants (jammies) back on, and made a quick phone call for Temp Agency #2, I called and booked an interview at a place that called me back while I was working the temp job at Mixed Messages, Inc. (as they will now be known) for Wednesday morning. So there's that. ONWARD!

blahhhh

   I am still sick, and so is Hotter. This virus (I am fairly certain it IS a virus at least) does not fuck around! I still have no voice to speak of and my back is killing me...originally I thought I threw it out coughing (and it DOES hurt like hell to cough) but Hotter says his aches really badly too, so maybe this is an achy-virus? I'm hoping that with the boys being with my ex for the weekend they will have missed out on the incubation period, since Big Child doesn't need to be coughing with a broken collarbone!

   On top of the sick we are the broke. It's not panic-level broke, in that Hotter has his prescriptions and I have gas in the car to get to and from work until payday, but it is "less than ten bucks in the bank, when we run out of milk we're just going to be out for a bit"-level broke, which is no fun. We have enough pantry to eat. It'll pass (although my next payday will be very sad with my having missed three days of work due to Big Child's injury and my illness and I only have another three weeks to get health insurance before I will have gone 60 days without and invoked the pre-existing conditions clause of doom that would make insurance pointless, so we're going to stay broke for a bit). It still sucks though.

   Mentally at least I am not doing too badly. I think PMS Buddy failed me, or else all the weight loss and/or sickness has thrown my hormones off, because that whatever-it-was ten days ago was NOT normal and it did pass after a couple of days. I did gain a bunch of weight when it happened, which would support the hormone theory, but could also point toward it having been gluten-related. 

   What else? The bees are doing well, and I am pretty confident in saying that splitting the hive hasn't harmed Alpha Hive one bit. I think they were getting ready to swarm if I hadn't intervened, and I would hate to lose my marked and over-wintered 2012 queen. Bravo Hive is doing well too, with plenty of activity. I haven't really felt up to making any hive incursions this weekend, so I'm letting them be for now. The hens are laying well, although someone (I think "Blacktop") has taken to laying wee mini eggs. This can be age-related, and my girls are in their third year of laying for us, so they're probably perimenopausal. As long as we're getting at least two eggs a day from four birds I'm okay with letting them coast a bit. Any less than that and they'd not be earning their feed (the chickens forage some and eat our leftovers, so feed for them isn't much of an expense). The rabbits, SPEAKING OF NOT EARNING THEIR FEED, are being pains in the arse. Iden is tied up with the "twins," and Pfeffer proved not to be pregnant last month after all and duly spent a day with Haas last week. Since she hasn't had kit-bearing to keep her busy she has focused her efforts on digging all of her bedding into a heap and getting so fat that her brisket laps over her tucked forepaws in the "loaf" position. Haas is full of beans; Hotter calls Haas his "dog" and pets him and carries on, and I have a feeling that if the old boy ever starts shooting blanks I'll have a hell of a time convincing Hotter he's not still earning his keep around here.

   And finally, Isis remains utterly worthless except as comic relief. In that area, however, she excels. Here is a picture from this morning:

Figure One: From foreground to background, here we have 1) MFA Mama, as portrayed by her right boob, 2) a thoroughly worthless dog, 3) said thoroughly worthless dog's outstretched legs,4) my husband, clinging to the edge of the bed, with the claw-ends of said thoroughly worthless dog's outstretched legs over his heart. I may have forgiven him, but Isis seems to be holding a grudge--she definitely senses when things aren't right with us and abuses Hotter accordingly, and I find it kind of hilarious.

 

comfort

   Y'know, I tell y'all when he's horrible so it's only fair I also give Hotter a shout-out for Spousal Excellence during the most recent round of tribulations. When I left work yesterday I was feeling really lowly worm, emotionally and physically both, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to go home to him, and feel his soft hands on my aching back, and spoon up next to him (Hotter can nap will, at any time and in any position, and most of the time I hate him for it a little bit but when I'm sick and need a big spoon it's great), and know that someone cared how I was feeling. This evening he made a very tasty, non-healthfood pasta with cream sauce, and it was perfect comfort food. Maybe if you've always had family and emergency contacts you don't appreciate that kind of thing, but it's pretty great and none of us should take it for granted.

misc.

*   My ex-husband's head is getting wider. It's the damnedest thing. He's put on a little weight, but Hotter and I have both noted that lately his head is growing sideways. Hotter thought it was just his vision. I thought I was losing my mind. I really wish I could document this with photos for your delectation, if only because maybe one of you would be a headologist and have a fucking EXPLANATION for it.

*   Hotter and I are both sick this weekend. A co-worker of mine came to work cheerfully proclaiming that she had laryngitis, then proceeded to lick her thumb approximately every four pages while counting out a stack of data for me to enter and file. The same co-worker gave me a suspicious squint and asked if I was contagious when I went in on Friday mostly just to show my face and let them all see I hadn't flaked on the job and was actually ill. I said I was pretty sure I wasn't.

*   Missing three days' work last week was not in my financial plan, and I can't even with that. I can't even with much of anything while I'm this sick, but especially not with that.

*   The little wild bunny I found and caught while cutting grass with a scythe died. It was a baby, and I kind of wondered if it was sick or made-wrong in some way that I was able to catch the thing in the first place baby or not, and we certainly didn't need another mouth to feed, but still. It was awfully cute.

*   Honeysuckle came and went without my making anything of it this year, and I'm kind of sad about that. I should check and see if the blackberries are ripe. So sick though, blah. 

*   I read a romance novel recently that many of you have probably also read, and it left me with this feeling of "WTF?" I just...well. I have many thoughts on the WTF-factor of this book. The female protagonist is one I generally like a lot, but she may have lost me this time.

*   I feel like all I eat anymore is legumes.

*   How are all of YOU?

head trauma

   Tuesday I got a call from the Middle School clinic: Big Child had taken a fall in gym and "all I am allowed to say is that I recommend you take him somewhere and have him evaluated...and I REALLY recommend that you take him somewhere and have him evaluated!"

   I got to the school clinic and found Big Child, red-eyed and pale-faced, with one shoulder off-kilter under an icepack. "I'm sorry they bothered you at work. I told them they should try Daddy first and not bother you unless they had to, but he didn't send back his copy of the office papers," he stammered. "It's okay," I told him, "this is the kind of thing they need to bother me for."

   I had already spoken to my ex on the way to the school, asking him to text me his insurance information so I could go straight to Big Child instead of stopping at home first. Obviously, he refused, because priorities, although once I texted him that I'd managed to get Big Child checked out anyway and his collarbone was broken, the XY was all about jumping my case and second-guessing my handling of the situation. Had I made the right call in taking him to the ortho clinic rather than the ER? I told him it hadn't been my call but the pediatrician's. Were they sure he didn't have a concussion? As sure as they could be, which was not very, and I had a list of signs and symptoms to look out for but thought he'd be fine. How did he have a possible concussion when the school said he hadn't hit his head? I said the "mechanism of injury" made the ortho concerned, plus I was pretty sure Big Child had hit his head based on some bruising around his eye. 

   At that point my ex-husband accused me of making up the part about the concussion and possibly the whole thing to screw with HIS head and I thanked him for reminding me why I never spoke to him over the phone except during an emergency, "and I think the crisis has passed. I'll text you a photo of Big Child's face and you can make your own inferences on the matter of whether he hit his head, goodbye."

   Since then I've been wretchedly ill my own self, and busy hovering over Big Child, who is handling his injury pretty well, I think. The middle school told him that if he just wanted to sit out the rest of the year and focus on recovering they'd leave his grades exactly where they were. I think he's going to go for it, but he wants to verify that one last grade is an A according to the scale the teacher uses before kissing the possibility of extra credit goodbye (he's determined to finish out the year with straight As). It kind of broke my heart that my kid sat there with a broken bone and worried about interrupting my day. He's asked me since then whether I'll be in trouble with my job for taking time off to take care of him (it took him a while to notice I'm sick too, but he's a kid and on narcotics besides so he gets a pass) and I told him the truth: that I can find another job if I need to but I only have one of him so it wouldn't matter if I did. Nobody seemed upset with me today when I went back in, although I did leave early after showing my face and catching up the filing, because I coughed my back out last night and have no voice to speak of.

   I probably need a doctor, but...yeah. I have a refill of some antibiotics that I can pick up if need be, but it's more than I want to spend, and Hotter needs Cellcept. We'll see.

   How are all of YOU?