I am in The Bad Place, friends.
Part of it, I think, is that I feel so bound up in what I can talk about and where. Work stress is a very real component here, but I can't go into detail, because the source of much of that stress is apparently an avid reader here. I think it's safe to say that I am a model employee but don't get the recognition others get for doing A LOT less than I do to try to further Eclecstasy's mission on a daily basis.
Things with The Roommate are as good as they could possibly be without his having found a job, but that still leaves him as a roommate rather than a husband and partner and 100% trusted confidante, because he fucking broke my heart (despite my sticking by him and supporting him through everything, and trying to bring him happiness in whatever way I could).
On the friendship front, something MAJORLY triggering went down on my birthday, and no, I'm not talking about anything to do with my last post; Stalky and her ilk don't have any real power in my life anymore beyond bringing up bad memories. I'm being vague here, too, because my real friends know my blog URL. Let's just say that because of The Narcissist and Only Living Relative, and the dance they did during my childhood, I have a big, huge, festering complex when it comes to my trying to be good and it NOT BEING ENOUGH. I have vivid memories of my father carrying out punishments that were the result of nothing more that an irrational whim on the part of The Narcissist, and pleading with him not to because I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG, and it never being enough, because somehow calming The Narcissist by whatever means necessary was always MORE important than right or wrong, always carried more weight than my feelings and emotional (and physical, but broken bones heal) wellbeing.
On my birthday, there was a situation where someone else was coming unhinged for no reason beyond my trying to be kind to them (in said party's defense, they absolutely had and have reason to be at their wits' end, it just doesn't have ANYTHING to do with ME), and a third party was running interference. I found myself standing in the self-checkout line at Kroger, juggling an armful of groceries and my iPhone, trying to figure out how to edit my Facespace history in a way that would please the unreasonable party because the third party was making it a big hairy fucking emergency via text messages, and I was willing to do it, because I wanted to bring the person in distress (and by extension, the third party, who is a goddamn hero in what they put up with) peace, but the third party was like "no right now FASTER give me your login and I'll go into your account and do it FOR you!" I didn't buckle THAT far (it wouldn't have worked anyway seeing as how I have two-step verification set up on EVERYGODDAMNTHING courtesy of Stalky), for which I am proud of myself, but I found myself reverting to my childhood mindset of being TERRIFIED of garnering the third party's disapproval (why? NO GOOD REASON--I mean yes, they could stop being my friend I guess, but I have no reason to FEAR them), and did in fact rearrange some stuff on social media, and it broke my fucking brain. That was the first time since my childhood that I've willingly played along with a codependent pair, and it opened the manhole cover on my own personal hell and I'm annoyed with myself. I hate that I played along like a fucking damaged victim instead of putting my foot down and saying "that is not reasonable, X's unhappiness is not my fault or within your power to fix, and this is uncomfortable territory for me so I am excusing myself from the entire situation." It might have cost me a friend, but I think it would have been better for my own peace of mind.
EVERYTHING that is wrong in my life right now, the relationship with The Roommate, the work-thing, the incident on my birthday, ALL of it is pressing on the sore spot on my psyche that says "you are not good enough, people fail to consider your needs because they do not matter, it doesn't matter how hard you try to be good and kind, you're broken and people see that and turn on you like chickens killing and eating a wounded member of the flock."
And if I can't look out for my own mental wellbeing, it doesn't appear that anyone else is going to, so that just sucks, and I had taken a day off to do my hair and spend some time relaxing and instead I'm having a day-long panic attack over all of the above.