Last night was supposed to be an amazing evening.
I'd had a really good day at work. Business was steady, money was decent, banter with co-workers and guests alike was pleasant, and I didn't have any comps, voids, or problem tables. I didn't feel overwhelmed or unprepared once, and was able to support some co-workers when they were in that position and contribute to our success as a team instead of being the one leaning on others, which was a good feeling. I really love working at "Eclecstasy!" After work I stopped at Trader Joe's and got some Ahi steaks and lovely fresh asparagus, and I came home ready to cook a celebratory dinner with Hotter, because The Situation aside, the past week had been full of win (progress on addressing The Situation! A speedy and FREE resolution to the problems my left front crown had been giving me for months! Street-legal vehicle! WHOO!).
Unfortunately, yesterday was also Lefty's birthday, and I did my duty in reminding Hotter to call him, and after Lefty not answering his phone or responding to Hotter's text Hotter received a text from The Wrath ALSO reminding him about Lefty's birthday and finally did get in touch. Apparently Lefty had been "working" with his stepfather, who last we'd heard about it Lefty hated. Lefty explained to Hotter that really their problems had stemmed from the fact that while Lefty was using, his stepfather had tended to catch the brunt of Lefty's mother's feelings over at all, but they talked and worked things out and now the stepfather was the only step-parent Lefty liked. I guess Hotter then asked what was up with that, and apparently Lefty is mad at me for preventing Hotter from drinking after him when Lefty had active Hepatitis during the worst of his heroin-fueled shenanigans five or six years ago.
I. Went. OFF.
Apparently I have no right to feel the way I do, but I kind of feel like Lefty doesn't get to be mad at me for protecting Hotter (who is immune-suppressed due to his transplants) from diseases Lefty picked up via needle. The first years of Hotter's and my relationship were majorly overshadowed by Lefty's drug usage. Weekends were put off or rescheduled if he was expected to be arrested or had a court date, the timing of our wedding was planned around first his eighteenth birthday and then his incarceration schedule, his needs have contributed to some of Hotter's and my worst fights as a married couple...I realize that it's Hotter and not Lefty I am actually mad at, here. It's Hotter's handling of Lefty's bullshit that has been hard on me more than it's been Lefty's actual bullshit. I get all of that. But the unfairness of Lefty's remark about how he and his OTHER step-parent were cool now that Lefty understood his bullshit had made the other step-parent's life hard set me off. It brought every feeling of being unfairly picked on by the universe I have (and there are a LOT of those feelings in my head) screaming to the forefront, and instead of having a nice evening with Hotter I ended up drinking a LOT of wine, rage-cooking a lovely meal that we ate in silence, rage-cleaning the rabbit pens, and being told that I was ruining our child-free weekend.
And then I woke up at four a.m. scratching myself raw because I was covered from head to toe in huge, angry hives. It actually looked less like hives and more like I had a total-body sunburn with occasional white speckling. I was THISCLOSE to going to the emergency room and begging for steroids, and health insurance and money be damned, but finally after I took WAY more Benadryl than is generally recommended and spent half an hour shivering in a cool shower things settled down. I hadn't eaten anything new or unusual, the pattern of the hives didn't point toward a contact reaction of any kind (they were everywhere, not just on exposed skin), there are no new soaps, lotions, or detergents in my life...I kind of think it was stress. My body has this way of taking me out at the knees when I'm trying to get through some shit; my long-time therapist of many years ago suggested that since I shrink from strong displays of negative emotions they find a way to manifest in the physical, and I certainly have a lot of negative emotions right now. The Situation has the potential to wreck every single aspect of my existence, and renders problems with teeth and cars and money and even in-laws laughable by comparison, but that doesn't mean that those other things don't suck, too, and I'm tired of coping.
The problem with that, of course, is that I don't really have any other option right now.