Things with Hotter are good. VERY good, actually. We had a nice day of snuggling, make-up sex, coffee together, and a nice family dinner.
I just wish I believed it'll last.
See, the entire fight that precipitated the recent discord was due to lack of money. Specifically, I broke down and confessed that I hated how money was making me extra-terrified of something happening to a member of his family (entirely possible given risk factors such as age and heroin addiction), for the simple reason that I couldn't afford to get him to and from The Arctic Tundra.
Hotter, of course, interpreted that as me disparaging his family, and the opposite of hilarity ensued. He was mean to me, REALLY mean, yelling, cold and cruel in the face of hysterical tears...hell, he even threatened to "take this to the innernet." The reason that there is currently peace is that I agreed to a $200 Special Savings for family disaster.
Here's the thing though: we get Hotter's disability payment and the first of March's child support tomorrow and after rent, the phone bill, a tank of gas for the car, a new Betta fish for Little Child (the old one died) plus water conditioner to hopefully help this one live longer, a bag of potting soil to start seeds with and a payment toward Hotter's credit card, all that's left is $69. And that has to last for a week of near-daily milk purchases, coffee (because if Hotter is out of coffee EVERYONE SUFFERS), dinners, field trip money, prescriptions...hopefully I'll make cash tips here and there because for a family of five to survive on $69 for a week is...optimistic, at best.
Meanwhile, I really need some new lenses for my glasses, Hotter still needs dental work, we have to buy a "super" for the bees to fill with honey sooner rather than later, Little Child needs a twin bed, Hotter needs glasses, Little Child needs glasses, we owe on Hotter's credit card...
So yeah, I don't see that $200 materializing any time soon, and it's still pretty likely that something will happen to either Hotter's mother or son and I won't be able to afford travel. Only instead of just the fury over that, I'll also have the fury of "YOU PROMISED!" to deal with. And then there's the emotional fallout of feeling like love comes at a literal price around here.
This kind of makes me want to curl up and die. After my first in-law experience with the XY's family I swore that in future relationships I would be like the Pony Express: ORPHANS ONLY! I should have stuck to it, or maybe just gotten a dog instead of remarrying in the first place.