So, here you have it: my first post on the new! Huge! Laptop!
This thing is so dope, y'all (do the kids still say that?). It's an XPS-17 and it's the size of my first car and so quiet I hardly know it's on. This changes nothing about my plans to get a large tattoo of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on the Dell logo.
Just kidding. It's actually going to be Calvin peeing on the VERIZON logo, because I've had this ridiculous giant computer for three days now but can only just NOW get on the innernet with it. Because lightning hit our sporadically-working modem (our innernet has gone in and out for...geez, over six months now), and they sent us a new one, which worked for eight hours and then not for twenty-four, and then just now it started working again (???) but too late, we're so totally switching to Comcast. Someday. When we have the money. So like, the twelfth of never, but THE INTENT IS THERE.
Speaking of money, do you want to hear my ex-husband's brilliant shot at discrediting my claim to not have the money to buy things he thinks I should (namely new clothes for the children, because while they have clothes that fit and are clean and free of holes and stains, they aren't NEW and HIS kids shouldn't have to wear HAND-ME-DOWNS,* and wouldn't if I didn't squander his child support money on things like MY RENT) (yes, he actually said "YOUR RENT," all accusing like one would say "HOOKERS AND BLOW," because goodness knows I'd still totally have a three-bedroom house in the city's best and therefore most expensive school district if I didn't have children--MY LIFESTYLE IS JUST THAT ROCK 'N ROLL)? This one's a doozy, y'all. Brace yourselves!
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO BROKE AND STILL AFFORD RABBIT BEDDING? I SAW SHAVINGS IN YOUR VAN WHEN YOU DROPPED THE CHILDREN OFF THAT ONE TIME!"
I. Um. Well then. He certainly fixed ME! Because a $5.99 cubic yard of pine shavings from the feed store, which lasts Haas and Pfeffer, et al QUITE A WHILE is just the most frivolous display of economic largesse EVAH and I am a lying, selfish whore. OBVIOUSLY.
My ex-husband is not allowed in my house or near any of my electronics, but I'm honestly kind of terrified one of the children will blab to him about Mommy's Giant New Computer and he'll lose his mind, and he'll never believe that this thing is a) refurbished and b) represents not a single penny spent on my part but rather the falling-apart of my old, under-warranty laptop combined with the fear of many earnest overseas customer service reps that my ass will GET ON A PLANE AND COME FIND THEM after Dell spent a month wreaking laughably incompetent havoc on my peace of mind.
Maybe I'll get that tattoo after all.
* I could MAYBE somewhat understand this, MAYBE,** if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and brought up in privilege, but the guy grew up as one of seven people sharing ONE BATHROOM.
** By which I mean that Hotter and I would STILL refer to him as "The Lord of The Douche" when the children aren't around, but his constant attempts to look down his nose at me would be SLIGHTLY less laughable. Don't get me wrong, that shit would still be funny seeing as how he's shorter than I am, but...I digress.
ETA: For those of you who asked after Hotter...he is about the same. The only difference is that we now know he's not in status epilepticus (which: duh, but still good to hear), or suffering from reduced bloodflow to his brain due to blocked carotids, or a new stroke. So we actually know nothing more than we did BEFORE he went into the hospital about why he Just Ain't Right, but whatever is causing this isn't immediately life-threatening. Sigh. Apparently (and I say this because when he mentioned it offhandedly today) the neurologist he saw is fairly convinced based on his account of what happens during his "spells" that he IS having a new type of seizure, but he didn't have one while hooked up to the EEG so they can't be SURE. Either way he's supposed to follow up with his own neurologist, which I'd already planned to have him do, because I'd still like to know what the eff is going on.