I do not want to do a single goddamn thing. I don't want to get out of bed, or plant the broccoli, or clean the rabbit cages.
I ABSOLUTELY do not want to go to work tomorrow. I'm known there for my cheerful enthusiasm for what I do, and I don't have that in me right now (of course I will go anyway and fake it 'til I make it).
My body is doing that thing where it tries to self-destruct in the face of stress, I think. My autoimmune sacroiliitis is flaring, my head and left cheek and ear are pounding, and last night the place on my left knee that I skinned so badly back in the middle of DECEMBER reacted to my drying it with a towel by shedding all of its' newly regrown skin in a large sheet and bleeding profusely. I'm used to things taking forever to heal (thank you, connective tissue disease, you asshole) but UN-healing is a new one on me.
My official letter of "blah blah corporate lingo blah restructuring yawp yawp economy blah thank you for your hard work and all that you have done for the company" from Job #2 came in yesterday's mail. And I just spelled that m-a-l-e and only barely noticed.
The spelling is the last thing to go. Someone please tell me the depression and bad spelling is all the Vicodin's fault.
I think part of why I don't want to go to work tomorrow is that I am waiting for someone to say "y'know what, what you do really isn't anything special, and no one cares about your field anyway, so we're letting you go." I don't know whether that's Imposter Syndrome or another one of my pseudo-psychic predictions, like on Thursday when I said that after all the past couple of days had done I kind of wondered if Friday would come to my house and kick my dog.
Oh, dog.
I'll definitely update the Twitter after I take Isis to the vet tomorrow, but maybe it's time I took a little break from the blog since all I can seem to do on here right now is panic about how I can't afford necessary medical care for family members or get enough work, and how all of the work has caught up to me and made me sick. Speaking of which, I feel like ass; according to the paperwork from Urgent Care if I am not feeling better by tomorrow I need to go back in and possibly get my antibiotics changed up. I really, absolutely, catefuckinggorically CANNOT afford another round of co-pays. Maybe I'm just being a big old baby? Does an ear infection with a ruptured eardrum take longer to heal than a regular garden variety ear infection? Let me know, please, if you have any experience with that.
*hugs*. Just lots and lots and lots of hugs. And a very gentle shoulder massage, and another hug.
Posted by: May | February 26, 2012 at 11:59 AM
Oh sweetie, this whole thing sucks. My thoughts: thenecessary medical care right now is yours. As much as he needs the dental work Hotter can wait a bit longer. Sonspend the copay ( or maybe call and ask if they can rx without a visit?). Vicodin does cause/worsen depression. It all does suck but it will improve.
Posted by: Becca | February 26, 2012 at 01:21 PM
I think there's something in the air... Or the water. Here's our last few weeks, so you know it's not just you.
The car made a funny noise, but husband insisted on driving, engine seized & set itself on fire!
Bought new car, finance application unconvered that
the hospital, which our insurance PAID had sent several random bills, totaling over $100,000 to collections?! And no one told us
At work, the state sued us for a contract from 2006.
Now we have to have an audit to prove we didn't misspending the money
Many of the records that prove that, were destroyed in the flood of 09
Our oven died
Then the toaster oven died
Then there was no propane in the BBQ ... How would you then cook dinner?
Small boy saw neurosurgeon for annual and he said " I've never seen anything like this & can't find anyone who had?!" shouldn't the department head have some tact
AND
For the prize, husbands leukemia seems to have not responded to chemo (tests in 2 weeks)
Hmmm, writing it out, Feb really does suck
Let's hope we're both finished with suck
Go plant something, it always helps
C
Posted by: Celeste | February 26, 2012 at 01:47 PM
Oh holy shit, lady. I really hope you catch a break soon. That's awful :(
Posted by: MFA Mama | February 26, 2012 at 01:51 PM
Sending you all the good vibes I can find your way.
Posted by: Editdebs | February 26, 2012 at 08:43 PM
Well, it's better then this time last year... & my point was just that I'm sorry you're last few weeks/chunks of the last year, have sucked. But the world has GOT to get better soon (your & mine) and maybe some of my month would make yours less annoying... At least it was worth a try. You know all those annoying people who claim adversity makes you stronger ? Yesterday I actually told one " I'm strong enough, your turn". She may never speak to me again, but it still makes me smile.
Posted by: Celeste | February 26, 2012 at 10:59 PM
Okay, you're my new hero :) Totally stealing that line the next time some well-meaning asshat pulls the "makes you stronger" line on me!
Posted by: MFA Mama | February 26, 2012 at 11:06 PM
You know what would make your's and Celeste's life better? If America would sort it's health care system out. Every time I hear your story (and others) it makes me so angry that the "leader of the free world" can treat it's own citizens like this.
I have never had to worry about the personal costs of any medical care, and that has improved my life beyond measure. If every American who read your blog started writing to the politicians at least there might be hope that the next time hotter or yourself, or the boys get ill that it wasn't going to be a disaster for your families finances.
I'm in the UK so can't do anything, but to all the other US based readers, please do something, don't let this horrible mess continue.
Posted by: Katie | February 27, 2012 at 02:48 AM
MFA Mama. I hope you don't stop blogging. I am having a really difficult time right now and reading your blog makes me feel like I am not alone.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Sxydocma1 | February 27, 2012 at 11:45 AM