I don't know

   I'm not going to work tonight.

   I don't know if that's the right thing to do today or not.

   I just can't, though; I haven't slept a wink PLUS I'd rather tear my own head off and light it on fire than walk back into that building tonight, in the wake of The Incident, while the workers are mutinous and Management is still het up. I don't know if I could sit through the "start-of-shift safety meeting," with the umpteen additional disclaimers there are sure to be, without calling bullshit and then they would DEFINITELY fire me (as opposed to only MAYBE firing me for a third strike--a few people now have had three and stayed, plus they're still hiring and we're nearing the end of the project so it's crunch-time) (the crunch of bones) (shudder).

   I don't know if this is right, and good, and healthy (I haven't slept, I'm definitely nowhere near safe to drive, I'm protecting my family from CERTAIN loss of income and myself from from a total mindfuck, no lube, as well as the sorts of potential injuries that come with working with tools and industrial balers and assholes who think that thirty people ought to be able to shift giant steel structures) or just plain stupid (we can't afford a loss of income at all, not even a little bit, we have bills to pay plus Hotter needs the dentist in ways I don't even want to DISCUSS and the MFA Minivan needs work and I am still toothless my own self...) and self-indulgent in the extreme (so what, my back hurts and I'm tired and morally-conflicted about working even indirectly for Soulless Corporate Megalith in the first place: ma nishtanah). Also Middly has strep (again).

   Either way I'm not going. Half the reason I haven't slept is that dead things give me the willies (why yes, yes I DO kill, gut, and butcher chickens when I have to and yes, it DOES bother me but not nearly as much as stumbling upon something that's just up and died of natural causes, oddly enough--perhaps that's my need for some semblance of control manifesting?) and not only did poor Blind Boris go to the great roost in the sky, but it's also so damn hot that the broody hen died on her nest, of apparent heat exhaustion.

   Birds sure do look extra-dead when they've Gone To Their Reward.

   Despite that, Hotter has a weak stomach (which I am not saying in any kind of insulting sense--after complete gastroparesis prior to his transplants resulting in the need for constant NG-drainage and IVs he's lucky to be alive and I will take him, weak stomach and all, even if it means being the resident undertaker) and so I got to deal with TWO dead bodies today.

   The other half of why I haven't slept, too, is the way that man screamed when The Steel Structure fell on him.  

   It's just not a very good day when I can truthfully say that actual dead bodies were only the SECOND most disturbing thing I've seen. So whether it's right or wrong, I'm calling in tonight so that when I DO finally give in to sleep it's in Hotter's arms and not, say, behind the wheel of the MFA Minivan on a local interstate. 

   I just don't know if it's actually all that wise.

Comments

[Lala]

that's a tough one but i think you're doing the right thing, you'd make yourself sick if you went to work

[K]

I still have the chills.