the one where I lose my junk due to life sucking and lack of Synthroid

   Today (last night? Whatever the hell, I haven't slept yet) sucked.

   It started out with a day of poor sleep (I am out of Mirapex, the drug I take for Restless Legs Syndrome, and while I don't know for a fact that that is to blame, I kept having horrible nightmares and waking myself up hitting or kicking the wall beside the bed), and then on my way to work I called the XY to ask if he could pay the child support before noon so that I could deposit it before going to sleep today. He then proceeded to scream at me, because Big Child evidently told him at the last dinner visit that his teacher had had to buy him some posterboard to do a school project because Mommy didn't have the money for it and also that he thought I was short on money because we haven't had dessert lately and I had to tell him a couple of times that he couldn't have seconds at dinner. Oh, and that I was killing the chickens for meat and it made him sad. The XY was pissed because he says Big Child is "going around telling his teacher and everyone that he's poor." I don't know what to do with this, because none of what Big Child told the XY (or his teacher? I don't know what he told his teacher or whether the XY talked to the teacher or not, although I definitely owe her a thank-you note) was untrue. Maybe I shouldn't have told Big Child I didn't have the money for the posterboard, but our account was overdrawn that entire week and I couldn't think of a way to not buy him the posterboard and explain myself that would have been any less damaging to him than the truth. As I asked the XY (and I'm also asking y'all, because I don't know what the hell to do with this), would it have been better to say "oops, forgot, maybe tomorrow" and string him along letting him think his mother just forgot about his project? Say it was because he made his brother cry and make it like a punishment? Tell him I was just too busy and let him think he's not a priority? I don't like telling the kid we're broke, but it's not like he hasn't noticed and the truth seemed like the least hurtful thing to tell him. That doesn't mean hearing the XY put my inability to provide better for my children despite a current total of three jobs I am actively working into loud, accusatory words didn't cut like a knife or that I didn't cry like a little bitch, because I did. That miserable conversation was a new low, and I also cry easily when I'm off the Synthroid (which I am also out of) and/or skipping meals and right now both of those things are factoring into my mood. Did I fuck up, though, as a mother, by telling the kid I couldn't afford the posterboard? The XY clearly thinks so but he...is biased. And also not the most qualified judge in my OR the county's opinion of what is and isn't good parenting, or he wouldn't have lost his weekend visitation (yeah, I was trying not to tell y'all that because while Stalky is not my ex-husband, Stalky does love to accuse me of slandering my ex-husband and making up everything I've ever said about the guy online, but the observant among you will have noticed that the MFA Children aren't having Away Weekends anymore and that I haven't been smited by the courts over it, so. Yeah. I will go ahead and state that the CURRENT lack of Away Weekends is NOT a result of the XY causing any of the MFA Children direct physical harm with his hands or any type of implement, mostly so that Stalky doesn't try to say that I'm accusing the XY of that currently, but that's all I'll say about it, except that having to feed the MFA Children for four extra days per month is hosing our grocery budget). So...what say ye on the matter of whether I have erred in my parenting? I'm genuinely asking your opinions; if they're not something I'll enjoy hearing, well, I'm a big girl (my demeanor today notwithstanding) and I moderate comments in case anyone (aHEM, Stalky) goes all needlessly off-topic and ad hominem.

   So yeah, I showed up at work looking like I had been recently bawling, and everyone wanted to know why, and in order to avoid further waterworks on my part I just said "this is just my face today, don't pay it any mind," but I think people worried when I proceeded to weep quietly every time a socket wrench wouldn't turn without a hammer and someone else had the hammer, or I saw a little kid (lots of people shop with their little kids at midnight on the first of the month, because that's when their food stamps hit their EBT debit cards) or a grocery item we particularly need (because it's a special kind of hell to work in a superstore where rows and rows of everything your family doesn't have and needs are staring you in the face while you move shelves, especially if you skipped lunch), or I got my finger pinched in the folding cross-braces that attached to the wheel units we were jacking shelves of product up onto in order to move them during the ongoing renovation.

   It was pretty embarrassing, and I'm glad I'm a temp and don't have to worry about any of these peoples' longterm opinion of me. I seriously couldn't control it, and normally I am NOT LIKE THAT, not even a little bit. In fact prior to today (last night? Yesterday? Whatever) I could count the times I'd actually shed tears in 2011 on one hand and still have a finger free to flip someone the bird with (and two of those were in the past month of suckdom). Oh well.

   If you're wondering why I'm not sleeping right now, incidentally, that would be because the XY is on his way to pay the child support and I need to get that into the bank before I crash. But he overslept, and allegedly there was also a work emergency, and then also he had car trouble (plus he's never been able to tell the difference between ten minutes and an hour in predicting his arrival somewhere--it used to drive me insane when we'd be in the car and he'd tell someone "we'll be there in ten minutes! Wait for us!" while we were at least half an hour away). He said he'd be here at eight and currently it's a quarter to eleven. I hate him extra-much today and really hope I can at least not cry in front of him when he gets here, although who am I kidding, I'm uncomfortably certain that I will (dammit).

   I'm so goddamned tired, y'all.

   On the bright side, I've lost a ton of weight lately and am almost back into my skinny jeans, and also today when I arrived at work in furious tears I actually got to demolish shit with a mallet for money, and it was so fucking sweet that I cried when we were done breaking down old shelving units and I had to give the tools back (sigh).

   Also, the funny for the day: about forty-five minutes ago a police cruiser came down our street (we live in a quiet little cul-de-sac), back up it, and then another arrived and they both stopped in the middle of the road to talk at length at the end of my driveway. Finally I walked down and asked them what was going on, figuring that if this was some fresh hell and they were coming to take me away (haha) I'd just get it over with (also Middle Child is home sick for the second day in a row and my kids have seen enough of the police to last QUITE A WHILE thanks to my ugly, ugly divorce and their father's subsequent mental breakdown). I mean, I haven't broken any laws or anything, but with my luck...? Anyway I asked them if something was going on in the neighborhood and they said someone had reported a suspicious person but they'd checked and hadn't seen anything. I said "oh okay, thank you, and in that case could I ask a favor of you? My ex, who is usually guilty of SOMEthing, is on his way over here to pay the child support and if he sees two cruisers I'm worried he'll jet and I really need that check, so would you mind...?" They recognized me (yes, the local police force knows us, sadly) and laughed and said no problem, we'll skedaddle. Heh.

   How are all of YOU?

Comments

[May]

If you ask me, XY's reaction is due to the immense discomfort of realising he's in part responsible for your dire finances, and having to vigorously put this discomfort from him.

And you did right. It's better to know Mom didn't do XYZ because she just can't afford it, but would've loved to if she could, than think it's because she doesn't care or prioritise your needs. I know this from being the kid in a divorced, one-side-often-strapped-for-cash, other-side-comparatively-rolling-in-it family myself. I don't mind at all that my mother couldn't always get me school supplies and most of my clothes were hand-me-downs. I mind like hell that my father would argue every single goddamn child support payment and always pay them late and accuse my mother of wasting the money, and then buy himself another sports car.

Hugs. You need lots and lots of those.

[A]

That's awful. But honestly, as a teacher we (or at least I do) expect to have to purchase for a kid or two, especially if it's something like a posterboard. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things.

And I'm laughing about the cops and you asking them to leave.

Hope XY gets there soon.

[Wacky Lisa]

Damn, I feel like I can't comment because I don't have kids but I did have a childhood where things weren't always honkey dorey. Now, I'm not the most observant person (vision and general personality) but once I was about 10 I noticed some things at home. I didn't necessarily know why they were happening and in a vacuum I tended to assume I was the cause. Now, I'm neurotic but from what I've read about kids that isn't all that uncommon.

So, what I'm getting at is I think you did the right thing.

Your XY is probably being image conscious. People like that want other people to think highly of them and their caregiving abilities regardless of the realities. So, my guess is he's upset that your child said something to his teacher rather than that there's something to say. You're not instilling a proper sense of shame about poverty into your child. *gags*

How am I? Overwhelmed. We have to move as we can no longer afford to heat our pos older than I am trailer. I need an army to help me sort and pack. Knew I should have worked on getting minions sooner & stupid pos body that not even cannibals would want because my connective tissue would make the worst stock ever.

[Ginny]

Well, I don't have any kids, so I'm not qualified to answer, but I do think that being honest is a good policy with kids.

About the visitations -- again, I'm not qualified -- you said previously that it was because the XY wanted to stay at C's house because his was messy. (What a wussy excuse!) What about prompting one of the kids to say, "We miss seeing you so much, can't you ask Catherine to help you clean up your house so we can visit?" And then with little tears trickling down his face, "My brothers and I can help, even though we're just little children."

Another tactic might be to engage Catherine. You've said nice things about her in the past, especially that she really cares about your kids, so maybe she could help break this impasse. The kids undoubtedly miss their father, and you and Hotter need some grown-up time alone, and Catherine sounds nice (except for her taste in men), so maybe she has a suggestion or two. Since she's rich, maybe she could hire a cleaning crew for XY's house.

[Wacky Lisa]

took a moment to run this post past my hubby who was braised cabbage poor growing up. His verdict is it is better that the kid honestly know that you're poor than to think going without is his fault. Oh & he's agrees w/ my read on the XY as well.

[Mary Dell]

I grew up knowing that we couldn't afford a lot of things that other people could afford, and knowing when we were broke, and knowing that certain stuff is expensive. I sometimes felt that it sucked not to have expensive stuff, but I was never confused about it. Even when I got picked on for looking shabby, I didn't think "why are my clothes hand-me-downs?" I thought "boy, rich kids are jerks!" because I understood about what we could afford and what we couldn't.

Basically, my feeling is that when you're a family, you rise and fall together, whether it's in finances, health, or happiness, and while kids need to have some parental buffer to help them deal, they deserve to understand the life they're living, at a developmentally appropriate level, anyway. And if they're told the truth, they will be much better able to deal with what's going on, because they won't have to invent their own stories. I think medical drama is similar--I sometimes make nurses mad by telling my kid "this is going to be ouchy!" before a shot or "you're not going to like this part" etc., but if he's going to feel any sense of control over what's happening to him, he has to have good information and learn that he can trust me to be straight with him.

Lastly I'll pass along what my dad told me once when I was up to my neck in money difficulty: being broke is not a moral issue, so you shouldn't feel bad about yourself because of it.

You're doing great, and I'm sorry circs are so shitty. Is there any chance you qualify for food stamps, with having to feed the kids more often?

[Becca]

agree. and the kid is going to see (if he doesn't already) that mom is poor and dad is not, but dad doesn't help, even if they are his kids too. You are doing OK. (and I assume you keep the negative stuff you think and say about his dad away from him, right?)

[K]

I think it is okay to be honest, age-appropriately so, with a child about the family's financial situation.

You're a good mother. Please don't let anyone have you doubting that about yourself.

[winecat]

You did the right thing. The truth hurts but it's none the less the truth of your life right now.

I really wish I could take the XY and smack him upside the head, not that he'd probably notice ...

[ina]

Mama,
I grew up pretty poor, like "some days I didn't eat so my brothers could get enough" sort of poor (being the oldest in the family you get like that, all responsible and crud). But my mom was pretty up front about it and that helped a lot. And as a grown up I'm totally willing to take risks to do what I am interested in in part because I know I've already been through the bad stuff - what's the worst that can happen? I'll eat less, BFD. Contrast that with my risk averse hubby, who I love, but is 7 kinds of panic about improving his career and who thanks me every day for supporting him in taking risks because "what's the worst that could happen?" Look I'm not recommending poverty as one of thsoe necessary life time experiences, but knowing that you don't have everything can teach really good lessons (like that your teachers really care that you learn and that your parent really does love you, etc).

Note for Wacky Lisa: LOVE "braised cabbage poor" - can I steal it?

[MFA Mama]

Becca - oh, absolutely. About the worst I say about their father in their hearing is "that was a bad choice." Well okay, I also said he was acting like a butthead one time when yelled at me in front of them. He on the other hand has told them that I'm unfit, remarried stupidly, take all of his money, etc. Sigh.