blah blah bullets

*   Little Child's g-tube button got partially yanked the other morning while he was wrestling with his brothers, resulting in unholy screaming that roused me. I calmly and quickly grabbed a spare and a syringe full of water, deflated the old button the rest of the way, and replaced it with a new one. Believe it or not this is only the second time in over five years of Little Child's having a g-tube that something like this has happened (the other time it was a faulty balloon that emptied all the way spontaneously, causing the button to just FALL OUT). Hotter was dancing around in the background as I worked, holding a spare one of everything I was using and chanting "I'mSOgladyou'rehomeI'mSOgladyou'rehome!" Heh. Poor Little Child was so traumatized by the whole thing (it was probably pretty ouchy, but I think it mostly just freaked him the eff out, y'know?) that I came up with a new ritual on the spot: I buy Little Child's used tubes off him for a buck (my kids will do chores for nickels and dimes, so a whole buck at once is a BIG HAIRY DEAL). The other two MFA Children were jealous and wanted to know what I'd buy of of them. "Y'all don't have tubes. Nothing to buy," I said. "YEAH!" Little Child gloated. "NO FAIR!" the older two whined. "Life's not fair, boys," I noted. Oy.

*   I lost fifteen bucks in cash at Soulless Corporate Megalith; it was in my pocket and I got bumped by a co-worker and then it was gone. I know who it was, but what am I going to do, accuse them? Probably there was a camera on us at the time but mehhh. I kind of had to laugh a little, because it's only like, THIS WEEK that that fifteen bucks won't break us (don't get me wrong, I'm bummed, but WOW how lucky with the timing and hey look we're not killing chickens anymore because there are groceries! WHOO!).

*   The turkeys are getting BIG. I had to clip their wings again because one of them kept getting out somehow and the only spot it could have fit OUT of was at the top of the roof of that enclosure. There's one I'm SURE is a tom (ugh) and one that I'm SURE is a girl-turkey (hen?) and one that is either a very small, effeminate tom (???) or a very large, butch girl-turkey (hen, I'm just going to call them hens unless one of y'all knows a breed-specific term I'm unaware of?). I guess we'll find out eventually!

*   Oh, some things we call the poultry, in no particular order, because we're silly people: 

Chuzzards - full-grown chickens, from chicken + buzzard. Because they love meat, duh.
Chuzz-nuggets - juvenile chickens
Chic-tacs - the silver-laced Wyandottes, because they're extra-tiny
The Turducken Collective - Hotter noted that he felt it was important we use inclusive language to acknowledge the turkeys' poultryhood, or something. I think he's getting mushy over those stupid turkeys. We're totally eating at least ONE of them mofos, Hotter!

*   Hotter woke me up well before I needed to be awake (think four hours), allegedly because he NEEDED a prescription and wanted to make sure the pharmacy wasn't closed. "At five p.m.?" I asked. "It's a weekday." "I COULDN'T TAKE A CHANCE!" he insisted. "Why, what drug am I picking up," I asked, feeling around for my keys in a half-stupor and also confused because I thought he had full bottles of both immunosuppressants and his seizure pills. "Nexium." I stopped and goggled at him. "BLEEDING ULCERS, I'LL GET BLEEDING ULCERS, AND MY PEE WILL TURN RED FROM THE BLOOD AND DR. KIDNEY WILL PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL," he said, histrionically. "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?" And y'all, he looked at me with pity and asked me where pee came from. "Your kidney," I replied. "Yes, and before that? Where does the stuff you DRINK come from," he continued, as if he was being very patient with someone very simpled-minded. "Most liquid is absorbed through the large intestine?" "WHATEVER, THAT'S ATTACHED TO THE STOMACH, RIGHT?" And then my head exploded. 

*   Yes, he probably WAS screwing with me (I HOPE) but now we're back to "woke me up way early because he was lonely" which, while sweet, OMG I NEEDED THAT SLEEP and work is going to suuuuck tonight. Wahhh...how are all of YOU?

Comments

[Bionic Baby Mama]

i'm getting woken up far too early by an attractive fellow whose primary concerns are boobs and pee. so, about the same, yes?

[K]

I'm peeved that someone did a five-finger discount on money straight out of your pocket. What a douche.