Dear [redacted - I know your names but have more class than to publish them],
Long time no see! I was beginning to feel unloved, but thankfully you knew that filtering your last e-mail address in G-mail, reporting your activities to the IC3 (report #I0911242345379791 from November of last year and #I1007312129083222 from today), and sending your blog comments to spam was really just my way of playing hard to get. Now that you've proven you're truly my NUMBER ONE FAN I'm going to go and carve our initials into a special tree out back!
I could point out the ridiculousness of accusing someone of having an obsessive and disordered personality via "anonymous" harassment coming from a webmail address consisting of their maiden name, current last name, and blog names strung together, but it would probably go right over your head. I hear you when you say I use too many words, and I don't want to confuse you, so I'll say this very simply:
Get a life, and get over your unhealthy fixation surrounding me and mine.
There, you can stop reading now if you want (well, you don't need my permission; like everyone else reading this you have the option to simply close the window and rather than say I'm writing the rest of this for me I'll just point out that, duh, I'm writing this whole blog for me, obviously).
All kidding aside, I know you like to troll my blog and e-mail me before major events (everything from holidays to my wedding day to BlogHer) and wasn't really surprised to hear from you. You've made me take a long, hard look at a lot of the things that I do, a lot of the relationships I've had, and what I choose to share about my life online, and for that I should probably thank you. You've helped me learn to spot and avoid toxic personalities and risky situations, and recognize dysfunctional behaviors (in myself as well as others, contrary to your repeated claims to the contrary I'm not laboring under the delusion that I'm perfect), and kept me from posting enough to let unsavory types who'd do more than just harass me via blog comments and anonymous e-mails know how to find me and my family. So in a way you've helped me to become a safer, more compassionate, and savvier individual, and I honestly can't say I regret knowing you.
I can, however, say that it's time for both of us to stop thinking about this. I'm not going to stop enjoying the holidays, forging and maintaining relationships with other mentally stable adults who share my interests, attending social gatherings, or blogging here, and I'm also not going to turn my blog into an ongoing dialog with you. I'm sorry things between us didn't go as you hoped they would; I'm not thrilled with how it went down either but you don't see me devoting years of my life to dwelling on it. I've reported your most recent communications to the IC3, Google (since as I said, your new G-mail address, which I've set a new filter for, consists of my rather unique maiden, married, and blog names combined), and BlogHer (since the organizers of the conference deserve to know that someone is threatening criminal acts at their event), and I'm done. I wish you luck in finding the peace that will allow you to move on from this someday as well, because that's so much nicer than trying to fan life back into the ashes of what was, trust me.
Ruefully, MFA Mama