* I did not run out of Pull-ups and put my youngest child to bed in a Little Swimmer last night. Nope nope nope.
* I also didn't strip the child and the bed at 4 a.m. and then put another Little Swimmer on the poor kid (if my ex-husband and his lawyers are reading this, I could totally afford more Pull-ups in the first half of each month if you'd stop suing the crap out of me).
* I am not bitter.
* I have never, EVER put together an "eat the pantry" meal of hot dogs wrapped in bread instead of buns, clementines, and cucumber salad, much less done such a thing THIS VERY EVENING.
* I would never let my children put yesterday's socks on in the mad rush to get to the school bus, because that would be gross.
* And I most certainly don't stand in my driveway in my fluffy pink bathrobe like a crazy lady stalking my own children through the hedge out front to watch them get on the bus with my own eyes. Sure, their friends' moms don't do that and the oldest is eight, and it's a very safe neighborhood and less than a block's walk, but...wait, why am I rationalizing this? I don't do that anyway!
* I also didn't go out there, um...commando under the robe this morning, and even if I had it wouldn't have been because I needed to do laundry. Nope, not me!